Last Sunday as I was dilating Lilly's tushy, I started crying with her. I've been bottling up my emotions since we were in the hospital with her when she was first born. It has been easier to shove my feelings to the background rather than cope with them or talk about them. After all, what kind of Supermom would I be if I actually had feelings? I finally told Nick what a hard time I was having emotionally dealing with everything that has come from having a child with (thankfully) temporary special needs. On Wednesday Lilly and I went back to STL to visit with her surgeon and see where we were at. I did NOT get the news I was hoping to hear. Her scar tissue on the back side of her bum hole wasn't as stretchy as he wanted to see it. So...now I get to do dilations 3 times per day instead of once and I now use the largest size I was using PLUS the next 2 sizes bigger. UUUGGGHHH!!! How I HATE torturing my baby!
I was upset Wednesday but kind of numb still. Thursday it started sinking in. I got out of bed when Maddy and Daegan pulled me out around 10 only to move to the couch and lay there until Lilly started crying close to noon. That was when I finally got up for the day. I stretched her tushy, fed her, got her back to sleep and finally fed the big kids. I got Daegan down for his nap and pretty much sat around until he got up, then we went outside and took a nice long 2 mile walk. I felt like I needed the sunshine to keep what little sanity I had left. It did do me some good. Once we made it back home, I loaded the kids up and went to get my fixed flat tire put back on my van, deposit a check and get gas in the van. When we got home, we grabbed Nick, headed to my parents' and I dropped the fam off so I could go workout. It was fabulous and made me feel better.
Yesterday I again did not get up until Daegan forced me out of bed and we sat on the couch until Lilly again demanded my attention. Maddy had spent the night with my parents and was having a G-Dad day, so we didn't have to worry about her. I sat on the couch feeling sorry for myself for a while and my sis-in-law called and helped me feel a bit better. We were seriously separated at birth. We identify with each other so well! After Daegan woke up from his nap I loaded the kids up and we went to Target. I needed to return a broken picture frame and I was feeling the need for some retail therapy. It helped a bit. Nick called as we were leaving and I finally lost it. I had been suppressing the tears all day and they finally won.
I was feeling so overwhelmed. By everything with Lilly and wondering if me stretching her tushy will have long-term psychological impacts, by our messy house that I couldn't find the motivation to clean, by my older kids being demanding of me when I have no more emotional reserves left, and by my husband not helping me enough - or in any way really. I was feeling like a married single parent. It may sound counterintuitive, but it's a real thing. When you're married, but still doing everything yourself.
When I got home, Nick took Lilly and her stretching materials and did it for me. Relief doesn't begin to describe my feelings at that moment. His contribution to the stretching up to that point had been him holding her legs the very first time I did it 5 weeks ago and saying it was too much for him to handle. Really?! I'm the one who has to shove the dilators in there!! He also asked if I minded if he stayed home while I went to my parents' and he would clean the house and do the dishes for me. There was the husband I needed! Probably would have shown up sooner if I hadn't expected him to read my mind! I came to my parents' house and Mom was asleep. When she woke up, both Daegan and I were crying. We ended up having some great conversations and I cried A LOT!!! I cried again on my way home while on the phone with Nick telling me we are a team and in this together. I needed that all so much and learned maybe it's not such a good idea to try to be Supermom and not talk about my feelings. I was borderline suicidal yesterday (thankfully I know my kids need me way too much for that nonsense) and today though I'm still not myself, I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel even if I can't see it yet. No tunnel goes on forever.
I talked to my best friend Amber this morning and she made me feel better too. She gets to the same point I do with marriage. We both discussed how we need to do a better job communicating our needs instead of waiting until we're so fed up that we explode. Good thing we're doing "Anger to Intimacy" in our small group and it deals a lot with better communication skills as well as "stuffing" feelings. It will definitely do both of us some good and already has. I can't wait for next Tuesday and our next small group. In the meantime, I will focus on the little joys in my day and find moments of happiness where I can.
