Thankful 30

Day 30: I am thankful I have so much to be thankful for...so many blessings. 30 days and I really didn't have to give it much thought. I definitely need to start using my gratitude journal again. What a wonderful and simple way to infuse your life with joy! Even on horrible days there are things to be thankful for. I feel I am leaving this month a happier, more joyful person. Maybe I'm crazy but I think doing this for a month (almost...I started late) has helped me be more positive which has been a chain reaction. I've been more patient with the kids, I've been cooking more, I've started reorganizing the house having finished the kids' rooms and kitchen, and Nick and I are continuing to improve. It really is a wonderful life!

Thankful 29

Day 29: I am thankful for the little guy I watch, Brodee, and his family. If it weren't for having that bit of extra income here and there over the past 18 months, things would have been much more difficult financially. I've also found another best friend in his mommy. It's been nice having another friend my age; especially one who lives 5 minutes away. We haveenjoyed having their family over to our house for dinner and going over to theirs as well. It has also been good for Nick getting to know Brodee's daddy. Daegan and Maddy absolutely love Brodee and now that Lilly is bigger, she does too. Their family has become part of ours.

Thankful 28

Day 28: I am thankful for Maddy's preschool. She loves it so much and from what I can tell, they do an amazing job. She is always counting down the days until her next day of school and comes home nearly every day with a craft they have done. She's so creative and I love that they are learning through creativity rather than trying to squelch it already and just have them do workbook stuff. I know we made the best decision financially sending her to the 3 day a week preschool at the church rather than full time at the school, but I truly feel this program also fits Maddy better. I think she would have been bored going to preschool full time. There are plenty of years of full time school ahead of her. In less than 9 months I'll be sending her off to kindergarten.

Thankful 27

Day 27: I am thankful for the ability to be warm when it's cold outside. I am thankful for coats and blankets, fire and shelter. I greatly dislike being cold and am thankful we have made enough advances in our society that we don't have to struggle for warmth.

Thankful 26

Day 26: I am thankful for the ability to cook as well as bake. I know some people who can ONLY cook, some who can ONLY bake and some who cannot do either. It's so nice to be able to do both. I can see or hear about a recipe and be able to make it if I want to. I've also been doing so much cooking lately that I'm starting to come up with recipe ideas of my own...I never thought that would happen! I LOVE baking - a little too much I think. It's therapeutic for me. I've always loved baking cookies and cakes and this year I've expanded my bread repertoire. Now I'm starting to expand into the crockery cooking category. Half of the recipes on the menu for next week are crock pot ones. Apparently I'm ready to break ours in - I think we've used it once. Hopefully one day I will get a stand mixer. Then I can really bake up a storm!

Thankful 25

Day 25: I am thankful for Christmas spirit but I wish it were more prevalent all year long. It's so nice when people are cheerful and smiling, wishing complete strangers well. It seems like most everyone is more joyful around Christmas-as they should be. I wish we were all more aware of our salvation than just around Christmas and Easter. All the lights and decorations at Christmas are fabulous too. I don't know how you wouldn't be able to look at a magnificent light display and feel full of joy and wonder. I still feel like a little kid driving around looking at the lights. And now I have children of my own who also adore the lights. Nick put ours up on the house today and I can't wait for our big kids to see them. They're having a sleepover with GiGi and G-Dad. Lilly kept pointing at them making sweet little noises. How I love Christmas...the financial part is stressful now but the celebration of Jesus' birth, family getting together, wonderful food and beautiful decorations are incredible. Tidings of comfort and joy.

Thankful 24

Day 24: I am thankful for my entire dysfunctional family! ;) My immediate household of course: the hubby and my 3 babies, my mom and step-dad, my dad and step-mom, my grandparents (SO happy I still have them), my uncles and aunts, my cousins, my in-laws, nieces and nephews and all of my many adopted siblings. I have such a fabulous network of family and friends. My heart does ache today for my baby sis who had to spend it without her hubby and baby while she awaits her transfer. Thank God they get to be together for Christmas.

Thankful 23

Day 23: I am thankful for spending time with friends and family. Today I got to have a long overdue reunion with one of my besties that went through a divorce and became a recluse. It was amazing catching up and just enjoying each other's company. Plus, the kids all had a great time playing. Then I got to spend the evening with my little brother whom I don't see enough of. It's always so wonderful when he comes to town. I've had a very blessed day full of incredible people.

Thankful 22

Day 22: I am thankful that God always provides. There are months I'm not sure how we will make it financially yet we do. I have been at the end of my emotional rope numerous times and He gives me the strength to make it through. It is only through Him that we made it through all of Lilly's surgeries with our sanity intact, that Nick and I are still together, and that we have survived on one income for 19 months tomorrow. I believe this journey was given to us so we might know Him better. And we do...God is so good and ever faithful!

Thankful 21

Day 21: I am thankful for our vehicles. Yes, I can find things to complain about with both of them, but I am thankful we have two running vehicles. It's nice to have the freedom to go and do as we please and not have to depend on other people for rides. It's also great to have vehicles period. It makes everything so much easier. Getting supplies(diapers and groceries), moving, visiting friends and relatives...the list goes on and on. It is truly amazing all the ways technology has made our lives easier.

Thankful 20

Day 20: I am thankful for the hubby's job. It is so nice that he has a full-time year-round job with benefits. It's wonderful knowing he has a steady job.

Thankful 19

Day 19: I am thankful for answered prayers. I am so glad God answered my prayers and the hubby quit drinking 5 weeks ago. We are very much on the mend and I couldn't be happier about it. I'm glad we got to see a dear friend and his kiddos but it's sad they are no longer a single family, but two separate ones. For the most part the kids are being put first. I'm so glad it's not us.

Thankful 18

Day 18: I am thankful I got to spend almost every day for the last four weeks with my sweet baby nephew, Logan. What a gift to get that much fabulous auntie time. There were certainly challenging moments and days, but I wouldn't trade it for anything and wish it were longer.
I am also thankful for the rebuilding of my relationship with my dad. It has been tumultuous over the last 13 years, but we're going from the present and it's been wonderful. I'm so happy we are moving forward and my children get to have so many loving grandparents in their lives. What a blessing.

Thankful 17

Day 17: I am thankful for technology. Though I curse it at times, it's amazing how it brings people together. I'm amazed at the people I'm reconnecting with from my childhood through Facebook. It's amazing. It's also great getting to keep up with people through that medium at my leisure rather than trying to have a phone conversation with screaming children in the background.
And cell phones...I remember how we survived before them, but I couldn't go back. It's easiest for me to have a phone conversation when we are in the car because all the little demons are strapped in with nothing to break. Add the ability to text message and oh boy! It's nice sending quick notes back and forth across the country to my sister.
The Internet...you can find anything on there! I'm still amazed by it ever day. There's SO much information! It truly is ridiculous. Email is fabulous though. And Skype. And Pinterest. Ah, Pinterest. That's my latest addiction. I could spend days on there. It's probably a good thing my app keeps freaking out on me and either kicking me off or telling me I'm out of pins. How can I be out of pins? They're virtual! Technology....yes, I'm still thankful. :)

Thankful 16

Day 16: I am thankful for laughter. It cures everything. Almost. There is not a better sound in this world than the laughter of children. It makes my heart so happy when I hear the kids giggling...especially at each other. They are hilarious when they giggle back and forth at each other. Even on my worst day, something funny enough to make me laugh can change the direction of my mood. And it feels incredible when I laugh until I cry. And the ability to laugh at myself has made me much more easy-going and I'm certain I'm more fun to be around now. Laughter may not be the best medicine at all times for everything, but it's certainly the best overall all-natural medicine.

Thankful 15

Day 15: I am thankful for dear friends. I have had so many people get in touch with me to check on Maddy today. I am glad technology can bring us together even though we live apart. I am also thankful for cold medicine. Without it, I'm not sure how well I would have fared over the last week. I love fall, but the weather change wreaks havoc on my sinuses. I am glad cold medicine helps me breathe and still be able to taste what I'm eating. It's so I unsatisfying to eat something you can't taste.

Thankful 14

Day 14: I am thankful for modern medicine. Without it, who knows what the outcome would have been for Lilly and it gave me peace of mind tonight. Maddy broke out in hives. Thankfully, urgent care stayed open until 8 so we were able to get in. I would not have slept well worrying all night if her airway was okay. I don't know why Maddy has hives, but I'm sure glad we can all sleep more easily tonight.

Thankful 13

Day 13: I am thankful I am able to stay home with my family. We definitely don't have the financial freedom we once did, but getting to be with my kids all the time and not have to leave them screaming for me at a sitter's house is priceless. I feel like I missed so much with the older two because I was working all the time. There are days I feel like I might rip my hair out but if that ever happens, I'd rather rip it out over my kids than over a job.

Thankful 12

Day 12: I am thankful for my grandparents. I am so fortunate to still have them and they are able to be a big part of my kids' lives. They are two of the neatest people with some incredible stories. My grandma is an incredible cook. I've never eaten anything she has made that I haven't liked. My grandpa is the most hardworking man I know and he would never complain about it. I hope they stick around for a long time but I cherish every moment I get with them.

Thankful 11

Day 11: I am thankful for men and women who are willing to put their lives on the line for complete strangers. That, to me, is the ultimate act of selflessness. Thank God for people who are willing to do this...to protect our country, to fight for our country, to fight against injustice around the world and to proudly represent our great nation. I am so proud of my cousin Austin serving in the Air Force.

Thankful 10

Day 10: I am thankful for friends. We have so many wonderful friends and I am so thankful that they would all be there in a heartbeat if we needed them. They are all the type that we can go days, weeks and even months without talking and then pick back up like no time has passed at all. Most of them are just as busy with life as we are and all of them are understanding. I am blessed beyond measure to be surrounded by people who love life.

Thankfulness

I've wanted to "join the club" and write a note of gratitude each day this month but I've been finding reasons not to. How silly. I used to keep a gratitude journal and it's high time I started again. I will begin reforming that habit by joining the thanks train.

Day 1: I am thankful for my partner in crime, my best friend, my husband...Nicholas. We have been through so much together - especially this last year - and I can't imagine a more perfect person to be sharing this journey with.

Day 2: I am thankful for a personal, meaningful relationship with God. He is so good and I am ecstatic to have renewed my faith in the last year. So much happened that I would not have made it through without Him holding my family and I and being able to rely on His strength instead of my own.

Day 3: I am thankful for my mom. Of course because she gave me life, but also because I can't imagine a better best friend. She understands me like nobody else, we think the same way and can finish each others' sentences. She is my hero. I wish everyone had such an inspiring person to not only look up to or consider a friend, but to call a parent.

Day 4: I am thankful for Madyson Alyx Cruz. My firstborn, my "squirt". She amazes me more every day. I am so glad God picked me to be her mommy. She has so much love to give and she radiates joy. She learns things lightning fast and at 4 years old understands what being a good Samaritan is and wants to do things "because it's the right thing to do". She is a gentle, kind and (mostly) patient big sister. I adore watching her "mommy" her younger siblings and know she will see her younger siblings as I do mine - her first attempt at parenting. I am so proud of her and love watching her grow into an incredible little girl.

Day 5: I am thankful for Daegan Nicholas Cruz. My only boy, middle baby, "Bam Bam". He is such a loving little man! I wish every mom got hugs as sweet as his. He is also absolutely hilarious. He does and says some of the most random stuff and makes some incredibly goofy faces. I love his "oh man" every time he fails to hit the foam baseball with his little bat (which is most of the time - he's 2). I love how he tip toes when I ask him to be quiet; I love that he is a pirate most days; I love that he loves Michael Jackson; I love that he absolutely adores his baby sister. There can't be many things in this world more precious than a 2-year-old being protective of his baby sis. I am proud to be his mommy and am thrilled to watch him continue to grow into a little man.

Day 6: I am thankful for Lillian Faith Cruz. My baby girl, my "Lillybug". When God decided to give us our surprise blessing, we had no idea what we were in for. She gave us simultaneously the best and worst year of our lives. Our family was completed with a funny, loving, happy baby girl. We also had a year containing 3 surgeries, 10 months of colostomy bag and so many unanswered questions. Ultimately we ended up with a completely healthy baby and closer relationships with God all around. She has been our little angel. She is so strong and resilient. And I'm not sure there has ever been a happier baby. She adores her older siblings and it's precious watching her as she tries to emulate them now. She has filled all of our lives with so many blessings.

Day 7: I am thankful for my brother, Rob. Even though he is younger, I learned a lot from him growing up. I loved watching him play sports and was devastated when he gave them all up as we got older. He was always so protective of my mom, sister and I and still is. His smile can light up a room and his laugh is infectious. I love watching him with my kids and our nephew. He's going to make the best daddy someday. He is so full of love and life and has a fantastic sense of humor. I'm glad we get to journey through life as family.

Day 8: I am thankful for my baby sis, Lauren. Though we were more worst of enemies growing up, now we are best of friends. She is an amazing young woman who has rolled with the punches of life extremely well and I admire her adaptability daily. She is so sunny and caring. I loved watching her with animals growing up and now I love watching her with my nephew. She's such a great little mommy and though I like to give her a hard time for being a people-pleaser, it's also one of the things I love most about her. She has always done an excellent job of keeping the peace. She's a selfless wife and I admire the woman she has become. I am so proud.

Day 9: I am thankful to be an aunt to 6 of the most amazing children. My baby sis give me Logan who is crazy, funny, loving, giggly and ornery. My sis-in-law Kami gave me Kadan who is hilarious, sweet, sensitive, kind, giving and talented as well as Brooklyn who is sweet, loving, silly, funny and talented. My sis-in-law Kara gave me Mattea who is silly, sweet, ornery, giving and playful as well as Cecelia who is hilarious, defiant, too grown up and sweet as well as Lydia whom I have yet to meet (she's due to arrive in 2 months)! I am so blessed to have a life surrounded by such amazing children who inspire me every day to be a better person.

So I am officially caught up! Whew! I can't believe it but I could still go on! I guess I won't have any trouble completing this challenge...other than punctuality! :)

Life Took a Chill Pill

My life has taken a chill pill and I am grateful!  A month ago I wasn't sure where life was taking me and I was terrified.  I had never prayed so hard in my life.  I needed answers.  I needed a sign of where to head next.  God answered my prayers.  My hubby came to me out of the blue and said he had been praying and had decided to quit drinking and that the kids and I deserved better.  I had said nothing feeling it would fall on deaf ears as it had so many times before.  He became helpful and took initiative with the kids.  He has apologized numerous times over the last 3 weeks for putting us through what he did.  When I have thanked him for being so helpful he tells me he has a lot to make up for and is just trying to be the husband and day that he should have been all along.  This has been music to my ears and just the infusion I and my marriage needed to bring us back to life.  I had given up hope.  I felt like we were roommates.  We engaged in meaningless chatter at the end of each day and that was it.  We weren't on the same team.  Now I feel like we're pretty close to being "us" again.  It's wonderful and I am so relieved.  I was dreading a future living with a person I didn't like and hardly spoke to but was even more terrified of the alternative.  Thank you, God for answering my prayers and bringing my husband back to me! 

I've had my nephew for the last 2 1/2 weeks and it has been wonderful getting to spend so much time with him.  He's full of energy and tries to break his head every 5 minutes but we are having a blast!  I can already tell a difference in him.  When he got here, he didn't listen AT ALL and now he listens about half the time.  I'll take it.  He's also absolutely precious with my kiddos.  Especially Lilly.  It's like he knows she's smaller and everything she's  been through.  He's so gentle and loving with her.  And she eats it up.  She tries to tickle him and kisses him.  I'm still working on he and Daegan with the concept of sharing... :\

I'm really looking forward to the Christmas season this year.  I think the kids are great ages and I'm feeling much more Christmassy this year now that Lilly's surgeries are behind us.  We went to a Christmas show the other night and the kids had a blast.  Even Lilly!  She was pointing at everything and trying to sing along to some of the songs.  Maddy got to go on stage and sit there while they sang a song and Daegan was dancing and clapping the whole time.  I'm about ready to put our tree and the lights up.  I'm definitely ready to do some holiday baking!  Bring on those holiday pounds!  :)

Gaining Ground

The photography business is starting to take off for me!  I've been playing for about a year and the word is starting to get out!  I did pics of a couple of my good friends with their little man a few days ago and they are so happy with them!  I put their pics up on my photo blog, www.cruzviews.blogspot.com .  I talked to a couple more of my friends last night that want me to do their family pics the next time the hubby comes back to town.  Plus, one of my besties is prego and will be needing some preggie pics this winter.  Add to that the fact that the fam I just shot is expecting and I'm going to have some newborn sessions!  Yea!  Now I need to come up with a logo and all that jazz.  Expanding business in a downturned economy = wonderful problem to have.

My baby is 13 months today!  That means my big girl will be 5 four months from today with my big man turning 3 two weeks after that!  Where is the time going?  It's all happening so fast.  Maddy is doing basic math and blowing it away.  I just hope she's not bored in kindergarten.  Hopefully she will have a fabulous teacher.  Daegan is finally starting to really get verbal and most people who are around him much at all can understand everything he says.  He is also making some serious ground in the potty training department!  It will be so nice to only have one child in diapers!

In new news, I get to have my baby nephew in 9 days!  He's coming to stay with me/my mom for about a month!  Can't wait to get some awesome nephew time in, lots of cousin time and get some great pictures.  He's been stuck in Vegas with Daddy but he's had two uncles, a grandma and a friend of the family watching him and no other kid interaction.  I'm super excited for him to get some cousin time!  Plus I'm going to start weaning him off the binky for my sis.  Speaking of my favorite, if only, sister...she got certified at her tower yesterday and was working the runway all by herself!  Note to self, don't fly into Cedar Rapids.  ;)  Totally kidding, Lauren!  I'm so proud of her and can't wait for her to get that transfer to Vegas to be with her family.  It can't come soon enough.  She is so strong.  I would have gone crazy by now for sure in her shoes.

The Big "1"

Lilly turned 1!  I can't believe it's been a year since we were blessed with her and I had the single longest week of my life.  Her entire birthday week, I kept remembering back and thinking how much we've been through this year.  It's been crazy.  Since I'm home and "have more time", I decided to do lots of crafty things for her birthday.  It went pretty well!

 Lilly's cake!  I baked every bit of this from scratch.  The bottom layer is chocolate with buttercream icing and buttercream fondant, the middle layer is white with buttercream icing and buttercream fondant, and the ladybug which was Lilly's smash cake was butter cake with buttercream icing and buttercream fondant.  It was all quite fabulous!  The smash cake being covered in fondant was cute, but it wasn't that messy for smashing.  : /

I made two giant hairbows for little miss thang's hair.

I painted a onesie for her.  I put the polka dot 1 on the font, her name on the back in red with black outline and a ladybug on her tushy.

And I made her a big double layer tutu with a big ladybug bow on the front.

Smashing the ladybug!

I forgot I made her a hat to wear during the cake smashing so we threw it on her for some pics when we remembered. 

The ladybug party was a success!  Everyone had a good time, the food was good, the cake was good, Lilly did a great job especially since she got woken up from her morning nap by thunder.  My big kids did a good job not crowding her and the other kids we invited didn't try to open her presents for her!  It was so great being surrounded by people we love and for me to be able to show off some of my craftiness!  I was pretty proud of how things turned out.

Time Flies When You're Crazy

We made it through Lilly's FINAL surgery with only a 5 day hospital stay nearly 2 months ago!  She has healed great and is growing like a weed!  She decided after nearly 10 months of being toothless, to cut her first tooth while in the hospital.  She is now working on tooth number 6...she's not wasting any time now!  She is crawling, rolling over, pulling up on everything and has even become a little bit of a parrot.  All of a sudden my baby is turning into a toddler and I'm not sure I'm ready!  I was so excited for this stage with the others but since she's the last one, I've been relishing these baby months and am sad to bid them farewell.  Off to new adventures!

Maddy started preschool!

It has been really nice for both of us.  She gets to spend some time with new friends and learn in a structured environment and I get some time with just the two little ones.  Maddy has a new best friend and they are precious together!  Every day after school I get to hear what she and Delainey did!  I love it!!!

Daegan is more "all boy" than ever.  He goes through a couple outfits a day and is constantly covered in bruises and scrapes.  He still isn't talking much, but he can usually get his point across and he is trying more.  He has a little tractor my grandma got for him that has gone everywhere with him for the past month.  It's adorable.  Last weekend, we went to an air show with my sis and bro-in-law and my bro-in-law bought Daegan and Maddy little airplanes.  Daegan now goes everywhere with his tractor AND his airplane. 

As for me, I'm trying to take things a day at a time, remembering this time is fleeting and I will miss it before I know it.  There are days I cannot wait until bedtime, but most of the time I really am enjoying just being Mommy.  Maddy starting preschool has been a good way to get me to begin putting us on a schedule.  It's better for everybody and helps keep me a little more organized...though we still have plenty of chaos.  ;)

Homeless at Home

A few nights ago my neice and nephew were having a sleepover at my house while they are in town for a week and a half.  I was having a blast with them, but was feeling the need to get out of the house and away from kiddos to clear my head as Lilly's surgery was weighing heavily on me being only a couple days out at that point.  I waited until the 3 big kids were settled in and all Daegan needed was some cuddle time and Lilly and I left for walmart.  Even though we had gotten our van back from the shop that day, I took my parents' truck because my plates had expired while it was at the shop and I didn't want to be pulled over at 11:30 at night if I could help it.  Daegan got upset we were leaving him and threw a fit at the front door, but Lilly and I were off.

We grabbed Texas toast at the store because I had decided I wanted to make the kids French toast the next morning and I grabbed the hubby a couple pizzas since we were getting ready to come up to STL for Lilly's final surgery and I knew he would be home by himself for at least a few days.  When we got back home, the porch lights and living room lights were on just like when we had left.  What was different?  The deadbolt was locked and I didn't have my house keys which are attached to my van keys that were sitting on the ledge just inside the door.  Nick wasn't sitting on the couch...great.

I called his phone; no answer.  I rapped lightly on the glass next to the front door; nothing.  I walked around the side of the house to see if our bathroom light was on to be sure he wasn't in the shower; nope.  I walked back around the front and peered through the glass to see if the back door was locked which it was, of course.  I called again and again there was no answer.  I decided to weed my overgrown flower bed while I thought things out.  My van was locked or I could have used my garage door opener and gotten in that way.  No other way in the house, my key to my parents' house was with my house key in my house and they didn't have a spare key outside either.  I guess I could sleep outside on the hammock or the trampoline.  Lilly just needs me for milk and it was warm enough.  I just might get eaten alive by mosquitos.  At least  we had options. 

GIANT SPIDER!!!  And here came the tears.  Enough weeding the flowers, I was getting in the house.  I banged on the door and rang the doorbell.  At least if I woke one of the big kids up, they could wake Nick up to come unlock the door.  Silence.  I called again; no answer.  I was sobbing.  I rang the doorbell 5 times and pounded on the front door hard and long enough, I was sure it was rattling the entire house.  Nick FINALLY came out (he had fallen asleep in Daegan's room cuddling him to sleep) and unlocked the door to let us in.  I lost it and started crying to hard that I could barely breathe.  I had left the house to clear my head, take some deep breaths and find some peace...I did not feel better.

I hated that feeling of helplessness.  And I hated feeling so ridiculous standing outside my own home without a way in feeling homeless.  It gave me a greater empathy for those who feel that way every night - wondering where they are going to sleep and if they will be safe there.  I am so thankful for all the blessings in my life.  Especially that I no longer have such a violent streak so I didn't beat the hubby senseless for deadbolting the front door after we left.

An Overwhelmed State With An Underlying Happy

I FINALLY went off my antidepressant 9 days ago and I feel better than I have in a couple of years.  It's amazing.  The last month to 6 weeks I've been in quite the funk.  So much so that I haven't even gone to church because I know enough  people in a short amount of time would ask how I'm doing that I'd eventually lose it.  I was feeling like I didn't know who I was - that I had somehow lost myself and didn't know how to find me again.  Turns out, I needed to get off my antidepressant and reinvent me.  I am a stay-home mom of 3 now.  That requires a little innovation and definitely some reinvention.  Last night I finally started feeling anxiety over Lilly's impending surgery.  It should all be over in 3 days!!!  I am worried about surgery and also my big kids and the fact that no one really has a plan surrounding what's happening.  It would be lovely if we could have a plan FOR ONCE!  I feel like I should just have to worry about Lilly and am instead worrying about everybody and everything so I spent a good part of last night and most of this morning crying.  Though the crying has been therapeutic.  Until last night I had only cried twice  since Lilly was born.  I feel like I have to be strong for everyone and it had gotten to the point that I was pretty well walking through life numb.  Though I'm anxious and stressed, I'm glad it's finally here and am so ready to close this chapter in our lives.  I tapped out a poem while cuddling Daegan to sleep last night.  Here it is:

Freedom

So overwhelmed I can't seem to stop crying.

I could try to pretend, but there's no denying:

I'm not alright.  I need a hand.

I need someone to understand.

When surrounded by family, I feel so alone.

Why aren't I conforted in the place I call home?

No one understands even though thry try.

I'm left here by myself to sit and cry.

So many emotions, they don't make sense.

So I sit here and I pray and I wish.

Can we please give "normal" a try?

Where I don't feel a need to cry,

Where everyone's happy doesn't depend on me,

And I don't feel trapped; instead I feel free.

Free to be me and be happy doing so,

Free to shed happy tears and laugh as I go,

Free from food and judgement and fear,

Free from anything I don't hold dear,

Free to be one with my Savior, God,

Free to accept my gift from above,

Free to live the life planned just for me,

Free to be who I am meant to be.

I haven't written a poem in SO long, but I don't feel like that's too bad.  I think the last time I wrote a poem was 7 years ago.  Not the greatest, but it helped.  Life is too short to feel trapped.  I'm ready for next week to be over and wave goodbye to the anxiety this chapter of our lives has carried with it.  We have all learned a lot - especially me, and we're better for it, but it's time to move on.  I'm ready to be genuinely happy for the first time in a long time without the help of medication.  I'm sure my hubby and the kiddos are too.  The countdown has begun!

Finding the Cra(funny)zy

When I'm not allowing my kids to make me feel completely crazy, they are hilarious!  They repeat everything and half the time don't repeat correctly which makes it even funnier.  Then there are the times when Maddy starts walking outside the trampoline and to get my attention says, "Oh crap!".  I set a marvelous example!  I especially like when Maddy tries to mommy Daegan and Lilly.  It's funny and irritating at the same time.  It's usually most irritating when Daegan is doing something he's not supposed to and Maddy tries to correct him or dole out some form of punishment.  Anyway, today I was doing a workout video while Lilly took a nap and Maddy and Daegan decided to join me.  It was hilarious watching them try to do jumping jacks, butt kicks, push ups and going to get water bottles to use for weights to do shoulder presses.  I had a hard time concentrating.  Especially when I was doing crunches and Daegan came running and tried to jump on me!!!  I only had to stop a couple times during the half hour workout which disappointed me, but at least I finished.  And, it was a Jillian Michaels video and she always kicks my butt.  I just need to keep it up along with my diet and I hope to be my old self again soon.  Time will tell I suppose.  I just need to hold myself accountable, keep my inner motivation stoked and if I have a setback, look at it as just that and not give up completely.  I'm down 5 lbs from where I was this time last week so instead of looking at my overall goal, I need to focus on the fact that 5 lbs in a single week is actually pretty stellar!  If I keep it up at that pace, I could be where I want to be by Lilly's 1st birthday, no problem!  Worst case, I will at least look and feel better than I do right now and definitely better than a week ago when I weighed in at my all time non-prego heaviest!!!

Putting the SPRING Back in my Step

     Some days I just want to scream!  I do so well mentally, emotionally, watch what I eat and exercise...then I have a cranky day or the kids get a little too wild and I'm back in the pit I started in.  I know so much of it is mind over matter but I just can't seem to get control over it.  I desperately want to but I guess something inside is holding me back.  I love food, but I don't live for it.  I've done without and lost the weight before.  I wish I could just take a step outside of myself and figure out what it is.  I know I get a little overwhelmed when I think about my ultimate weight loss goal, but I also need to think about the smaller, more achievable and immediate goals.  Right now I feel like being a recluse.  I don't even want to go to church on Sundays - it's bad.  At least my kids hold me accountable to getting up in the morning and feeding them so they aren't neglected.  I even manage to play with them a bit every day.  I'm ready to climb out of this black hole!  I am thankful for my friends and family who always support me no matter what I'm going through or what I look like.  If it weren't for them, I wouldn't be able to see the sun shining above me waiting for me to emerge.

Erin Got Her Groove Back

Well, I've been in quite the funk for the past 5 weeks or so.  I bottomed out between last week and the beginning of this week and have finally begun climbing out of it the last couple of days.  It's about time.  I was starting to wonder if I would ever come out on the other side.  I was beginning to understand how some moms become alcoholics.  I was contemplating drinking my problems away though I tried that when I was younger and it never helped.  I've also seen plenty of adults go down a horrible path lined with empty bottles and knew that wouldn't help me.  Plenty of reading and praying later and I've become numb when stretching Lilly's tushy and I'm not getting as short with the other two who just act their ages.

Today I did the dishes for the second time this week.  Before this week, I hadn't done them in 3 weeks!  Luckily for my entire household, my hubby was picking up the dish slack for me and not giving me a hard time about it.  I've even had the kids picking up after themselves the last two days and helped them so Nick hasn't had to do it one evening after work.  I'm beginning to do what I should be doing again and I know in the next few days I'll be ready to start doing extra things again too.  I haven't even exercised since the beginning of last week.  It's not been good...pretty sure my sister-in-law spent part of a day finding a place with a nice comfy padded room for me after she listened to a couple of my rants the beginning of this week.  I'm so lucky to have friends and family who understand my insanity and give me the strength and courage to plow through the dark points.

The spring weather is so wonderful.  I'm loving these days in the 70's and 80's.  They are absolutely perfect for taking the kids outside and playing and taking pictures.  It's also therapeutic for my mood.  I love the sunshine and everything turning green again, flowers blooming, people being friendlier.  This is the time of year God gives us for making it through another long winter...He makes everything new again and it's such a beautiful and amazing process.

It was so much fun taking the kids to go throw rocks in the lake the other day.  They had a blast, got some sun, and I got a few good pictures.  That evening, Lilly took a long nap, the two big kids were playing NICELY in the back yard, the hubby was grilling burgers and I got to RELAX in the hammock.  I forgot what that feels like.  It was nice and I need to do it more often.  Maybe that was the game-changer for me.  I had gotten so wound up from not relaxing ever that I was in a ridiculously depressed state.  I'll have to be sure to take some time for me now and again.  I don't even have a commute to do that anymore so I have to make a conscious decision to do it and that's not the easiest thing for me.  Here's to a little bit of selfishness!!!

Stumbling Through

Last Sunday as I was dilating Lilly's tushy, I started crying with her.  I've been bottling up my emotions since we were in the hospital with her when she was first born.  It has been easier to shove my feelings to the background rather than cope with them or talk about them.  After all, what kind of Supermom would I be if I actually had feelings?  I finally told Nick what a hard time I was having emotionally dealing with everything that has come from having a child with (thankfully) temporary special needs.  On Wednesday Lilly and I went back to STL to visit with her surgeon and see where we were at.  I did NOT get the news I was hoping to hear.  Her scar tissue on the back side of her bum hole wasn't as stretchy as he wanted to see it.  So...now I get to do dilations 3 times per day instead of once and I now use the largest size I was using PLUS the next 2 sizes bigger.  UUUGGGHHH!!!  How I HATE torturing my baby!

I was upset Wednesday but kind of numb still.  Thursday it started sinking in.  I got out of bed when Maddy and Daegan pulled me out around 10 only to move to the couch and lay there until Lilly started crying close to noon.  That was when I finally got up for the day.  I stretched her tushy, fed her, got her back to sleep and finally fed the big kids.  I got Daegan down for his nap and pretty much sat around until he got up, then we went outside and took a nice long 2 mile walk.  I felt like I needed the sunshine to keep what little sanity I had left.  It did do me some good.  Once we made it back home, I loaded the kids up and went to get my fixed flat tire put back on my van, deposit a check and get gas in the van.  When we got home, we grabbed Nick, headed to my parents' and I dropped the fam off so I could go workout.  It was fabulous and made me feel better.

Yesterday I again did not get up until Daegan forced me out of bed and we sat on the couch until Lilly again demanded my attention.  Maddy had spent the night with my parents and was having a G-Dad day, so we didn't have to worry about her.  I sat on the couch feeling sorry for myself for a while and my sis-in-law called and helped me feel a bit better.  We were seriously separated at birth.  We identify with each other so well!  After Daegan woke up from his nap I loaded the kids up and we went to Target.  I needed to return a broken picture frame and I was feeling the need for some retail therapy.  It helped a bit.  Nick called as we were leaving and I finally lost it.  I had been suppressing the tears all day and they finally won. 

I was feeling so overwhelmed.  By everything with Lilly and wondering if me stretching her tushy will have long-term psychological impacts, by our messy house that I couldn't find the motivation to clean, by my older kids being demanding of me when I have no more emotional reserves left, and by my husband not helping me enough - or in any way really.  I was feeling like a married single parent.  It may sound counterintuitive, but it's a real thing.  When you're married, but still doing everything yourself. 

When I got home, Nick took Lilly and her stretching materials and did it for me.  Relief doesn't begin to describe my feelings at that moment.  His contribution to the stretching up to that point had been him holding her legs the very first time I did it 5 weeks ago and saying it was too much for him to handle.  Really?!  I'm the one who has to shove the dilators in there!!  He also asked if I minded if he stayed home while I went to my parents' and he would clean the house and do the dishes for me.  There was the husband I needed!  Probably would have shown up sooner if I hadn't expected him to read my mind!  I came to my parents' house and Mom was asleep.  When she woke up, both Daegan and I were crying.  We ended up having some great conversations and I cried A LOT!!!  I cried again on my way home while on the phone with Nick telling me we are a team and in this together.  I needed that all so much and learned maybe it's not such a good idea to try to be Supermom and not talk about my feelings.  I was borderline suicidal yesterday (thankfully I know my kids need me way too much for that nonsense) and today though I'm still not myself, I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel even if I can't see it yet.  No tunnel goes on forever. 

I talked to my best friend Amber this morning and she made me feel better too.  She gets to the same point I do with marriage.  We both discussed how we need to do a better job communicating our needs instead of waiting until we're so fed up that we explode.  Good thing we're doing "Anger to Intimacy" in our small group and it deals a lot with better communication skills as well as "stuffing" feelings.  It will definitely do both of us some good and already has.  I can't wait for next Tuesday and our next small group.  In the meantime, I will focus on the little joys in my day and find moments of happiness where I can.

Time After Time

I am constantly amazed how quickly time passes. I remember sitting in elementary school staring at the clock thinking how slowly time moved. When I would comment to my mom about it, she would tell me it goes faster as you get older - she was so right (she usually is). On Monday Maddy turned FOUR! Another year and a half and I will be sending her off to kindergarten! It doesn't seem possible. My youngest neice will be ONE tomorrow, Daegan will be TWO in 10 days, my youngest nephew will be ONE in 5 weeks and Lilly was 5 months on Monday. I know where the inspiration for the song Don't Blink came from!

While Lilly and I were in STL for 11 days, I watched A LOT of Cake Boss. So I decided to try my hand at fondant icing on Maddy's birthday cake. I expected it to be much harder than it was. It turned out great! I'm going to do it again for Daegan's cake to make sure my success wasn't just beginner's luck. For Maddy I baked a heart-shaped red velvet cake, frosted with buttercream and covered with lavender fondant with pink cookie cutter shapes on top (a couple hearts, an X and an O). For Daegan I think I'll do a baseball. Probably chocolate with buttercream and white fondant. I'm still so proud of myself! For their party this weekend I'm going to do a giant red velvet cupcake and a bunch of little cupcakes. I'm so excited! Can't wait to see everybody! I'm getting hungry with all this cake talk! The baking begins again tomorrow! Giant cupcake, here I come!

Snowy Day Fun?

Lilly and I got to come home after 11 days in the hospital.  It was such a relief to be back home surrounded by our family and our things.  Maddy is still being clingy 5 days later and Daegan is finally beginning to forgive me.  He completely ignored me for a full 5 minutes when I first got home.  He was hugging and poking Lilly and seemed to not care Mommy was home.  It was adorable how excited he was to have Lilly back home.  I was glad to be home for about a day.  The kids were still reeling from not having Mommy for about a week so they were being crazy which was making me ready to leave again since I had gotten to see and hug them.  Now that they are settling back in, I am truly glad to be back home with my entire family.

Monday we were buckling down bracing for the "blizzard" that was supposed to be the biggest snow storm in 18 years.  Yeah, right.  We didn't even get 6 inches!  What a letdown!  Now my brother 4 hours north got a blizzard.  Nearly 2 feet of snow with drifts up to 4 feet!  At least we got enough to play in.  And, of course, it shut the entire area down for a couple days.  Cbin fever hasn't set in too bad yet.  Though it has only been two days.  Check with me again in another two and I'm sure I'll be singing a different tune.  It has both helped and hindered that we came to my parents' house to get snowed in.  The kids have enjoyed having different things to play with and a fireplace to entertain them but bedtime has been a challenge for Daegan as he just recently got good at going to sleep in his own bed at home.  The last 2 nights it has been around 1am before I've gotten him to fall asleep.  Ugh!

The question of the day today?  What to do for entertainment this afternoon?  It's way too cold to go play outside!  Windchills in the negative temps!  Maybe we'll make cookies.  We'll have to get a little creative since my parents are on Atkins and don't keep sugar or chocolate chips on hand.  I bet we can handle it though.

Quiet Time

My parents came to rescue Maddy and Daegan from the hospital today. The kids were fed up. Mom and Dave were very excited to see and get to cuddle Lilly. While they were here, I realized Nick had spent almost half of his vacation time for the year already and we still have one more surgery and 11 months left in this year. He took my suggestion (I don't think I demanded) and went home with my parents. He will go to work while Lilly and I play the waiting game up here in St. Louis. I am relieved to have some uninterrupted "me" time and time just Lilly and I. I never get time to myself so this is a treat! I'm not certain what I'm going to do with myself. I'm sure I will figure it out though.

I've been feeling quite melancholy lately. I can't put my finger on it. Eating didn't help but it really never does. Losing a little weight on Atkins rejeuvenated me but didn't take the sad away. Exercising this week has helped. I have put in nearly 14 1/2 miles on the elliptical this week in the last 4 days. I have decided the elliptical is definitely for me. My 5 miles last night was perfect - a little under an hour, pushed it without overdoing it, and was spent without feeling dead. I slept great as a result. Even with Lilly having a roommate with obnoxious parents overnight. So glad they're gone today - as much fun as it was listening to him snore and her having the tv on ALL night. Geez! Hopefully continuing to lose weight will help with my melancholy feelings. I guess we'll find out!

I hope this quiet time does me some good. I need my batteries recharged. I should get some good rest and some good time for self-reflection. I just wish the hospital had workout facilities for parents. I do some pretty good thinking while I'm exercising, plus I have the time and am on a role. Maybe I'll jaunt over to the hotel this evening and see if the room key still works to get me in to the workout facility over there even though we checked out today. Wouldn't that be nice?!

Let's get to the bottom of this

Literally! Lilly had surgery on her bum yesterday. Everything went smoothly and she now has a bum hole! Of course we won't put it to work for a couple more months, but we now have two surgeries down and only one more to go! She is doing so well - what a trooper! She hasn't had any morphine since right after surgery yesterday and only Tylenol here and there. When I got to her this morning, she was awake and relatively happy, all things considered. It was nice to see her beautiful eyes. We have even gotten a few smiles out of her! I missed seeing those dimples. Hopefully we will be home this time next week and she will be all cooing and smiles again. Happy healing!

I was a wreck the day before the surgery. It's a good thing I hadn't gone grocery shopping recently so there was no food in the house or I would have spent the day nervous-eating. I did do the appropriate thing last night instead of eating to try to help my stress, I went and exercised. I did 2.65 miles on the elliptical in 35 minutes. Not too shabby. Then I did some leg presses, leg extensions, some free weights, then 350 crunches. It did the trick and I felt a sense of accomplishment which was nice. I'm thinking I'll go workout again tonight before coming back to Lilly's room where I will spend the night now since she can breastfeed ad lib again. Maybe soon they will move this spare bed out of Lilly's room so we will have some more room to spread out. We get a little crowded with 5 of us in here. Kind of looking forward to my time later tonight with just Lilly and I.

Weighty Issues

Another pound down today has me excited!  I've now lost just over 6 pounds since my Saturday morning weigh in.  And yes, I know it's best to only weigh once a week, but I can't seem to help it.  I've always been horrible about it.  I guess I just need a reason to start the morning by beating myself up.  At least each morning this week has brought good news.  I still struggle with looking at the weight loss in increments as opposed to the big picture.  At first, I'm excited I'm down 6 pounds.  Then, I think, I still have 45-55 I want to lose.  At that point, I'm a little disheartened.  But if I keep losing at this rate, I will be at my goal weight in less than 2 months which would be fabulous!  Another 15 pounds and I will be rewarding myself with a super cute Mizzou shirt I found at Walmart for $13.  I wanted to buy it the other day, but it's not a neccessity and then I realized it would be something nice to visualize for a weight loss milestone.  An additional motivator as if not being fat isn't motivation enough.  I'll be so excited when I can look in the mirror or at a picture of myself (recently taken) and not be disgusted.  I know they're harsh words, but seriously!  I was already overweight going into my last pregnancy and really let myself go.  I gained more weight this last pregnancy that any of my others.  Hopefully that means once I've accomplished my goals, I can look at how far I will have come and never put myself in such a position again.  I feel like I'm at the bottom of Mount Everest looking up. 

Hopefully a better self image will also lessen my feelings of depression.  Some days I would like nothing more than to lay in bed in and out of sleep all day.  It's a good thing I have 2 older kids who make me get out of bed.  If it were just Lilly and I, I really would stay in bed all day sometimes.  I guess we'll find out.  At least I'm not as irritable anymore as I was while pregnant and only on half the dosage of my anti-depressant I'm on now.  Sad is better than sad AND irritable.

Well, now that I've brought down anyone reading this to where I am, I think I'll end on that note.  Things ARE getting better...a day at a time.  Funny, I think that's an alcoholic's mantra...a day at a time.  I guess I was addicted to food - more specifically carbs and sugars.  No more!  I have the power!

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!

Yesterday was an interesting day.  After helping out at Gymboree on Black Friday, I decided to stay on and help out when they have new lines once a month.  Last night was my first new line experience since leaving the company a year and a half ago.  Of course it had snowed the night before and most area schools were out.  It stopped snowing for a while during the day yesterday and started again a couple of hours before I needed to leave the house.  I left in Hubby's 4 wheel drive vehicle, took it slow, and made it no problem leaving it in 2 wheel drive the whole way.  New line went great!  I had a blast just getting out, socializing with some of the gals I used to work with and just being able to work and not answer any questions.  I worked in the Newborn department at the back of the store so I had no concept of the weather then entire time.  We finished and I was leaving the store at 10:15pm.  It had been snowing the whole time.

My mom text messaged me right as I was getting bag-checked to leave so I called her while I walked out to the truck.  I talked to her while I scraped the small layer of ice and the snow on top of that off the windshield.  Someone she knew had been in a car accident and she wanted me to be very careful.  I was planning on it.  I went all the way up the hill out of the mall to the main road through town.  Not 100 yards down the road, I started sliding and going sideways.  YIKES!  I corrected and went ahead and put it in 4 high.  Best to be safe than sorry and I didn't foresee myself going any faster than 25-30mph anyway.  I made it 2 miles away from my house with no problems.

At that point, a pick-up was sitting at the bottom of a large hill and a guy on a 4-wheeler was sitting next to it.  He started flashing his light at me so I began to slow down and slid to a stop to find out what was up.  He told me the giant curving downhill portion of the road that followed the hill I was getting ready to ascend was blocked off because of a couple accidents and it was a sheet of ice.  He said he could give me a ride home if I needed it.  While all of that was very nice of him, I just wasn't sure how I felt about some strange guy giving me a ride home especially when Hubby was going to need his truck to get to work in the morning.  The nice 4-wheeler guy said he would go up and talk to the firefighter that was up by the accident to see what the current conditions were like and he would come back and let me know.

I went ahead and ascended the hill and got to the last spot you can stop before the point of no return on the giant curving downhill part.  I called Hubby and asked what I should do.  There were already two pickups parked where I pulled over and I didn't really feel like our truck would safely fit parked there without blocking people or potentially getting hit by someone coming down the road later.  What to do, what to do.  There was a road right across from where I was parked that bypasses the giant curving downhill part but parts of it were steeper and curvier, though it was also a rougher road which could help with traction.  Plus, not having been driven, it wouldn't have the packed down iciness the main road had.  Feasible?  I had driven it once in my old car and felt like I was off-roading and the road would swallow my car at any moment.  I knew it wouldn't swallow the truck, but still.  At this point, it was that or leave the truck somewhere semi-precarious, walk home and make Hubby walk to it in the morning.  No sign of the 4-wheeler guy and the clock was ticking.  Let's do it!

I got turned around and started up that hill.  Made it to the top.  Now there's a pretty good little hill with a turn at the bottom.  Sliding, sliding, holding my breath...and made it!  Now down another more gradual hill; at least it's straight.  Here comes the bottom and the road turns 90 degrees...sliding, sliding, sliding, sliding, stop.  Now I'm too close to the road sign and edge of the road to get turned.  Reverse, forward, reverse, forward, slide, reverse, forward, slide.  After an I don't know how many point turn, I had done it.  I switched to 4 low, put it in 1st and crawled down this relatively steep hill.  Nearly 90 turn at the bottom, no problem.  Here comes another steep hill but now I'm on gravel and the road is horrible rutted from heavy rain.  Thank you for some traction!  Made it to the bottom of that  part no problem, had a couple more flat corners to take and what's that?  A stop sign!  Civilization!  And it's the stop sign to the road that leads to my turn about 100 yards down!  I can almost smell my kids!  (Maybe they need baths ;)  )

I got turned off the main road onto the side road and saw 5 sets of footprints from people who had walked home.  I was so glad I was more fortunate than these folks in that I hadn't had to walk and had made it safely through the worst part of our road home.  About halfway down that road I saw a guy walking.  I felt bad for him so I stopped and offerred him a ride.  Normally I wouldn't have even considered offerring someone walking down the road a ride, but I figured I was pretty safe in assuming his vehicle was stranded somewhere and he was just trying to make it home.  He accepted and lived about 1/4 past my house so I went ahead and dropped him off at his house and then came back to ours.  I did a good deed for someone and didn't get hurt or ripped off because of it!  Yea!

I got up our steep driveway and got parked without sliding backward like we had the night before.  I turned on the interior lights to locate my bags I had thrown in the back when I picked the guy up.  I got my stuff and came running in the house to see my family.  D-man was so excited!  He kept saying Mama.  It was adorable.  It took me an hour and 25 minutes to make a drive that earlier in the evening had taken me just under 40 minutes.  Apparently I was so excited to be home, I forgot to turn off the interior lights so Hubby's truck was dead this morning.  Nice.  And he had slept in and was already late for work.  What a start to his day!  Oops!  At least he understood.  One of our neighbors gave him a jump and he was off.

Oh, last night ranks right up there with one of two of the worst driving experiences I have ever had in the snow.  Though the other one was mostly ice so I don't know if that counts.  Come to think of it, the other one was trying to make it home from Gymboree as well.  Hmmmm.  Well, I'm just happy to be alive today and still have our truck on the road and in tact.  It's a good day!

Fast and Furious

Well, we made it through the holidays.  I got to see my sister and nephew one last time before they returned to the frozen tundra she calls Iowa and it was so hard to say goodbye.  It was so nice getting to see them every weekend.  I got to watch my nephew grow up for 3 months and I loved it.  I am glad for their family they got to go home to Iowa.  I know her hubby missed her and my nephew-man a lot.  I just wish it were easier for me to get up there to see them more often.  It's so hard not knowing when I will see them again.  When we were younger, I never would have believed my sister and I would be so close as adults.  Mom was right again...she always told us we would be best friends when we grew up.

Christmas was exciting.  We all passed around the stomach flu!  D-man got it first, then Maddy, then Hubby, then we had a healthy Christmas day, then I, my brother, my cousins, my grandparents and aunt and uncle all ended up with it.  Not fun.  It did help me lose 5 pounds though!  I got so excited over the weight loss, I figured I would keep it up and start on the Atkins diet with my mom.  She has officially lost 30 pounds in a month and a half.  I'm a believer.  I've lost 6 pounds since I started a week ago.  I REALLY started 2 days ago.  Up until then, I cheated a little each day.  So I guess I've lost 4 pounds since I started.  Which, 4 pounds in 2 days is awesome.  I need it.  It's just hard looking at the big picture knowing I still want to lose another 55 pounds.  At the very least, another 45 but 55 would be ideal.  I still can't believe I let myself go like this.  I really let depression win.  And now, I'm depressed because I'm fat.  Nice how that works.  Too bad I don't feel a compulsion to clean or exercise when I'm depressed. 

We rang in another new year and I've decided this will be a year of new beginnings for me.  I'm on a diet I said I would never go on so I can look as fabulous as I want to and know I can.  I've renewed my faith in Christ in the last year and it was so nice coming in to a new year with that faith.  I am LOVING my current "job" as a stay-at-home mom.  So, first year I've started off LOVING my  job.  This year will be fabulous!

We spent my birthday in STL for Lilly's doctor appointments.  I was debating until the day before whether I wanted to spend my birthday with our whole family together or leaving the two bigger kids and having a peaceful trip.  I opted to have the family together and ended up kind of wishing we had left them.  We do our Dr. appts right in the middle of the day so we can go up and back on the same day and it's hard on the kids.  At least they usually sleep most of the way home.  Another year older and again, I don't feel any different.  I wonder if you ever start feeling different ON your birthday.  For me, it's my experiences that make me grow older, wiser, more mature; not birthdays.

I LOVE my church!  Yesterday we had a PG-13 service and talked about....shhhhh (sex)!  It waas a great service.  We laughed and came away feeling like we had more tools to strengthen our marriage.  After service we went to a class and became official members of the church.  It feels nice to officially belong!  We started serving in the preschool rooms last month and it feels wonderful to be able to help out.  Then last night there was a couples' dinner at church that Hubby and I went to and left all 3 kids with my parents.  It was such a quiet car ride!  It was a fantastic evening!  It was great to sit around with other couples and discuss our relationships and have it all be about communication.  I know that's our biggest opportunity.  I bottle things up, develop resentment and when a disagreement does arise, I try to cut it off with "whatever" or "fine" or holding my hands up or walking away.  I do not deal well with confrontation.  I need to work on that.  Maybe I can become better at that this year too.  I will certainly try.