Homeless at Home

A few nights ago my neice and nephew were having a sleepover at my house while they are in town for a week and a half.  I was having a blast with them, but was feeling the need to get out of the house and away from kiddos to clear my head as Lilly's surgery was weighing heavily on me being only a couple days out at that point.  I waited until the 3 big kids were settled in and all Daegan needed was some cuddle time and Lilly and I left for walmart.  Even though we had gotten our van back from the shop that day, I took my parents' truck because my plates had expired while it was at the shop and I didn't want to be pulled over at 11:30 at night if I could help it.  Daegan got upset we were leaving him and threw a fit at the front door, but Lilly and I were off.

We grabbed Texas toast at the store because I had decided I wanted to make the kids French toast the next morning and I grabbed the hubby a couple pizzas since we were getting ready to come up to STL for Lilly's final surgery and I knew he would be home by himself for at least a few days.  When we got back home, the porch lights and living room lights were on just like when we had left.  What was different?  The deadbolt was locked and I didn't have my house keys which are attached to my van keys that were sitting on the ledge just inside the door.  Nick wasn't sitting on the couch...great.

I called his phone; no answer.  I rapped lightly on the glass next to the front door; nothing.  I walked around the side of the house to see if our bathroom light was on to be sure he wasn't in the shower; nope.  I walked back around the front and peered through the glass to see if the back door was locked which it was, of course.  I called again and again there was no answer.  I decided to weed my overgrown flower bed while I thought things out.  My van was locked or I could have used my garage door opener and gotten in that way.  No other way in the house, my key to my parents' house was with my house key in my house and they didn't have a spare key outside either.  I guess I could sleep outside on the hammock or the trampoline.  Lilly just needs me for milk and it was warm enough.  I just might get eaten alive by mosquitos.  At least  we had options. 

GIANT SPIDER!!!  And here came the tears.  Enough weeding the flowers, I was getting in the house.  I banged on the door and rang the doorbell.  At least if I woke one of the big kids up, they could wake Nick up to come unlock the door.  Silence.  I called again; no answer.  I was sobbing.  I rang the doorbell 5 times and pounded on the front door hard and long enough, I was sure it was rattling the entire house.  Nick FINALLY came out (he had fallen asleep in Daegan's room cuddling him to sleep) and unlocked the door to let us in.  I lost it and started crying to hard that I could barely breathe.  I had left the house to clear my head, take some deep breaths and find some peace...I did not feel better.

I hated that feeling of helplessness.  And I hated feeling so ridiculous standing outside my own home without a way in feeling homeless.  It gave me a greater empathy for those who feel that way every night - wondering where they are going to sleep and if they will be safe there.  I am so thankful for all the blessings in my life.  Especially that I no longer have such a violent streak so I didn't beat the hubby senseless for deadbolting the front door after we left.

An Overwhelmed State With An Underlying Happy

I FINALLY went off my antidepressant 9 days ago and I feel better than I have in a couple of years.  It's amazing.  The last month to 6 weeks I've been in quite the funk.  So much so that I haven't even gone to church because I know enough  people in a short amount of time would ask how I'm doing that I'd eventually lose it.  I was feeling like I didn't know who I was - that I had somehow lost myself and didn't know how to find me again.  Turns out, I needed to get off my antidepressant and reinvent me.  I am a stay-home mom of 3 now.  That requires a little innovation and definitely some reinvention.  Last night I finally started feeling anxiety over Lilly's impending surgery.  It should all be over in 3 days!!!  I am worried about surgery and also my big kids and the fact that no one really has a plan surrounding what's happening.  It would be lovely if we could have a plan FOR ONCE!  I feel like I should just have to worry about Lilly and am instead worrying about everybody and everything so I spent a good part of last night and most of this morning crying.  Though the crying has been therapeutic.  Until last night I had only cried twice  since Lilly was born.  I feel like I have to be strong for everyone and it had gotten to the point that I was pretty well walking through life numb.  Though I'm anxious and stressed, I'm glad it's finally here and am so ready to close this chapter in our lives.  I tapped out a poem while cuddling Daegan to sleep last night.  Here it is:

Freedom

So overwhelmed I can't seem to stop crying.

I could try to pretend, but there's no denying:

I'm not alright.  I need a hand.

I need someone to understand.

When surrounded by family, I feel so alone.

Why aren't I conforted in the place I call home?

No one understands even though thry try.

I'm left here by myself to sit and cry.

So many emotions, they don't make sense.

So I sit here and I pray and I wish.

Can we please give "normal" a try?

Where I don't feel a need to cry,

Where everyone's happy doesn't depend on me,

And I don't feel trapped; instead I feel free.

Free to be me and be happy doing so,

Free to shed happy tears and laugh as I go,

Free from food and judgement and fear,

Free from anything I don't hold dear,

Free to be one with my Savior, God,

Free to accept my gift from above,

Free to live the life planned just for me,

Free to be who I am meant to be.

I haven't written a poem in SO long, but I don't feel like that's too bad.  I think the last time I wrote a poem was 7 years ago.  Not the greatest, but it helped.  Life is too short to feel trapped.  I'm ready for next week to be over and wave goodbye to the anxiety this chapter of our lives has carried with it.  We have all learned a lot - especially me, and we're better for it, but it's time to move on.  I'm ready to be genuinely happy for the first time in a long time without the help of medication.  I'm sure my hubby and the kiddos are too.  The countdown has begun!