Times are Changing

Well, I did slightly better with this post...6 months instead of 8!  I got to go visit my sis and it was so much fun!  It was great getting to share a weekend of our pregnancies and spend some playtime with my little nephew man!

 

 

As much as I'm not enjoying pictures of myself right now, I'm glad we documented our "twin pregnancies".  I think I'm going to envy my sister's height for the rest of my life.  And her skinny genes.  The kiddos had a blast.

 

Lilly turned two even though I'm in denial about her growing up.

 

She is so funny.  I love the little personality that is emerging.  She is mischevious, goofy and so loving!  I am so blessed to be her mommy.

 

September also brought me a full time kiddo to watch.  The extra income is fabulous but having an extra kid is crazy!  He was 2 1/2 when I started watching him.  He's exactly 7 months older than Lilly.  He is what my sis-in-law and I like to call "dumb smart".  He can count, is potty trained and knows a lot of words.  However, he has a hard time answering simple questions, even if they are of the yes/no variety.  It is quite comical at times, but mostly just frustrating.  He will start whining and when I ask what is wrong, he just stares at me.  When I change tactics and ask if he's hungry, he still just stares.  It's kind of ridiculous.  There are days I'm not sure the extra income is worth it.

 

October was pretty uneventful.  We took the kiddos trick-or-treating and I hoped to send myself into labor but it didn't happen.  They got lots of candy, had a great time, and we still managed to get home and get them to bed at a decent hour since it was on a school night.  We're getting a lot better with the schedule though I was finding it pretty difficult at this point to wake up at 6am to get Maddy off to school and stay awake since my charge gets dropped off at 7am.  Ugh!  No sleep for prego mama.

 

November arrived and so did a couple babies!!!  Starting the first weekend of November, I could not sleep unless I was nearly completely upright.  I couldn't sleep on my side because my hips were hurting so badly and I couldn't sleep on my back since rolling onto my side to get out of bed caused my pubic bone to pop and me to scream.  I began sleeping on the couch, in the corner, upright.  I practically begged my doc to induce me and she said we would the day after my due date if we made it that far.  At my appointment 9 days before my due date my mom went with me because I couldn't stop crying...I was miserable.  I was dilated to a 4 and 50% effaced so she went ahead and stripped my membranes and said she'd be surprised if she didn't see me later that night or the following day.  She told me to go home and walk, walk, walk.  So I did.  Four miles.  My hips were DYING!  I'd had some really good and regular contractions the first 3 miles, but they petered out and I gave up after mile 4 shortly before my body would have given up on me.  There were no more contractions that evening or the following day and I was hacked off to say the least.  I found my peace and just decided I would focus on being induced the day after my due date.  Babies 2 and 3 were a day late after all.  That Monday, 3 days post appointment and 1 week until due date, my sister was being induced because she was miserable.  Jealous doesn't begin to describe it.  I talked to my MIL who was flying in to town Thursday and I was telling her how ready we were to see her and that I was just planning on having a baby the following Tuesday and we planned to go baby shopping that weekend.  45 minutes later I was changing my socks planning to go to the store and my water broke!  I began laughing uncontrolably because it's the strangest feeling ever and I was beyond happy to get to have my baby!  I called the hubby to have him come home from work, then my mom who was not amused (she was stressed enough having my sister in labor across the country).  My mom picked our oldest up from school and we all met up at the hospital.  I was at a 5 when we got to the hospital so they went ahead and gave me my epidural.  When my doc got there, she was getting ready to go into a meeting and told me when she got out, they would start me on pitocin and break my water?  Apparently I had a second bag of water and it's pretty common.  Who knew?  Fast forward and the highlights include: my epidural wore off right as it was time to push (awesome), my neice was born, 38 minutes later my Hayden was born! 8lbs., 3oz. 20in. long, a big head and a GIANT set of shoulders.

As crazy as it sounds, I didn't think transitioning to 4 kids would be difficult.  I felt like making the switch to 3 was easy and now I had 1 in school.  WRONG!  The hubby did make a good point though...since baby 3 had a birth defect, it's not like I had time or energy to pay attention.  Plus, I was still on an anti-depressant that had me feeling numb. 

 

December seemed to fly by.  We had so much fun visiting family and friends in Utah and the day after Christmas I got to meet Hayden's "twin cousin", my new neice!

 

Our time went by way too fast, but all the kids had so much fun together!  I'm so thankful we got so much good family time over Christmas break. 

 

January brought my *gulp* 30th birthday.  It wasn't so bad, but I do need to start making fitness a priority and get my weight off that I've been carrying around since my pregnancy with Lilly.  I need to take advantage of my current metabolism as it's only downhill from here.  I also have been having some scares with my vision.  9 days after my birthday I noticed a blurry patch in my peripheral vision in only my left eye.  After 3 days of denial, which fixes most things, I called annd made an eye appointment for the following Tuesday.  Over the weekend my vision worsened and turned into a whole bunch of blurry polka dots throughout my field of vision.  When trying to read, it seemed like the words were floating and waving like the surface of the water on a breezy day.  I was told that my scans showed maculas that looked like they belonged to a 65 year old.  YIKES!  I had a cellular level scan last week and should find out what they showed in 2 days.  My vision has improved a good bit but it's far from perfect.  The blurry  spots are still there, but they're not as big or severe.  I've been eating a diet heavy in spinach, broccoli and berries as well as taking lutein and bilberry supplements.  I'm praying hard that it's good news.  We had another milestone this month...Daegan is FULLY potty trained!!!  At long last!  When we returned from vacation, we had a weekend then the hubby was in Kansas City at a boat show for a solid week.  While he was gone, Daegan decided the potty was a good place for #2!  I guess I just needed to lay off and let him figure it out for himself.  Life is SOOOOO much better now!

 

February is always a big deal at our house.  Maddy will be 6 on Valentine's Day and Daegan will turn 4 two weeks later.  They're getting really excited.  We're having Hayden baptized next Sunday and having a combo birthday party later in the day.  This will probably be the last year we can do that before Maddy wants to do a party with her friends.  She mentioned it this year but it's not a huge deal just yet.  Should be fun!

 

Here's hoping I make another update before another 6 months has passed!

Thankfulness

I've wanted to "join the club" and write a note of gratitude each day this month but I've been finding reasons not to. How silly. I used to keep a gratitude journal and it's high time I started again. I will begin reforming that habit by joining the thanks train.

Day 1: I am thankful for my partner in crime, my best friend, my husband...Nicholas. We have been through so much together - especially this last year - and I can't imagine a more perfect person to be sharing this journey with.

Day 2: I am thankful for a personal, meaningful relationship with God. He is so good and I am ecstatic to have renewed my faith in the last year. So much happened that I would not have made it through without Him holding my family and I and being able to rely on His strength instead of my own.

Day 3: I am thankful for my mom. Of course because she gave me life, but also because I can't imagine a better best friend. She understands me like nobody else, we think the same way and can finish each others' sentences. She is my hero. I wish everyone had such an inspiring person to not only look up to or consider a friend, but to call a parent.

Day 4: I am thankful for Madyson Alyx Cruz. My firstborn, my "squirt". She amazes me more every day. I am so glad God picked me to be her mommy. She has so much love to give and she radiates joy. She learns things lightning fast and at 4 years old understands what being a good Samaritan is and wants to do things "because it's the right thing to do". She is a gentle, kind and (mostly) patient big sister. I adore watching her "mommy" her younger siblings and know she will see her younger siblings as I do mine - her first attempt at parenting. I am so proud of her and love watching her grow into an incredible little girl.

Day 5: I am thankful for Daegan Nicholas Cruz. My only boy, middle baby, "Bam Bam". He is such a loving little man! I wish every mom got hugs as sweet as his. He is also absolutely hilarious. He does and says some of the most random stuff and makes some incredibly goofy faces. I love his "oh man" every time he fails to hit the foam baseball with his little bat (which is most of the time - he's 2). I love how he tip toes when I ask him to be quiet; I love that he is a pirate most days; I love that he loves Michael Jackson; I love that he absolutely adores his baby sister. There can't be many things in this world more precious than a 2-year-old being protective of his baby sis. I am proud to be his mommy and am thrilled to watch him continue to grow into a little man.

Day 6: I am thankful for Lillian Faith Cruz. My baby girl, my "Lillybug". When God decided to give us our surprise blessing, we had no idea what we were in for. She gave us simultaneously the best and worst year of our lives. Our family was completed with a funny, loving, happy baby girl. We also had a year containing 3 surgeries, 10 months of colostomy bag and so many unanswered questions. Ultimately we ended up with a completely healthy baby and closer relationships with God all around. She has been our little angel. She is so strong and resilient. And I'm not sure there has ever been a happier baby. She adores her older siblings and it's precious watching her as she tries to emulate them now. She has filled all of our lives with so many blessings.

Day 7: I am thankful for my brother, Rob. Even though he is younger, I learned a lot from him growing up. I loved watching him play sports and was devastated when he gave them all up as we got older. He was always so protective of my mom, sister and I and still is. His smile can light up a room and his laugh is infectious. I love watching him with my kids and our nephew. He's going to make the best daddy someday. He is so full of love and life and has a fantastic sense of humor. I'm glad we get to journey through life as family.

Day 8: I am thankful for my baby sis, Lauren. Though we were more worst of enemies growing up, now we are best of friends. She is an amazing young woman who has rolled with the punches of life extremely well and I admire her adaptability daily. She is so sunny and caring. I loved watching her with animals growing up and now I love watching her with my nephew. She's such a great little mommy and though I like to give her a hard time for being a people-pleaser, it's also one of the things I love most about her. She has always done an excellent job of keeping the peace. She's a selfless wife and I admire the woman she has become. I am so proud.

Day 9: I am thankful to be an aunt to 6 of the most amazing children. My baby sis give me Logan who is crazy, funny, loving, giggly and ornery. My sis-in-law Kami gave me Kadan who is hilarious, sweet, sensitive, kind, giving and talented as well as Brooklyn who is sweet, loving, silly, funny and talented. My sis-in-law Kara gave me Mattea who is silly, sweet, ornery, giving and playful as well as Cecelia who is hilarious, defiant, too grown up and sweet as well as Lydia whom I have yet to meet (she's due to arrive in 2 months)! I am so blessed to have a life surrounded by such amazing children who inspire me every day to be a better person.

So I am officially caught up! Whew! I can't believe it but I could still go on! I guess I won't have any trouble completing this challenge...other than punctuality! :)

Gaining Ground

The photography business is starting to take off for me!  I've been playing for about a year and the word is starting to get out!  I did pics of a couple of my good friends with their little man a few days ago and they are so happy with them!  I put their pics up on my photo blog, www.cruzviews.blogspot.com .  I talked to a couple more of my friends last night that want me to do their family pics the next time the hubby comes back to town.  Plus, one of my besties is prego and will be needing some preggie pics this winter.  Add to that the fact that the fam I just shot is expecting and I'm going to have some newborn sessions!  Yea!  Now I need to come up with a logo and all that jazz.  Expanding business in a downturned economy = wonderful problem to have.

My baby is 13 months today!  That means my big girl will be 5 four months from today with my big man turning 3 two weeks after that!  Where is the time going?  It's all happening so fast.  Maddy is doing basic math and blowing it away.  I just hope she's not bored in kindergarten.  Hopefully she will have a fabulous teacher.  Daegan is finally starting to really get verbal and most people who are around him much at all can understand everything he says.  He is also making some serious ground in the potty training department!  It will be so nice to only have one child in diapers!

In new news, I get to have my baby nephew in 9 days!  He's coming to stay with me/my mom for about a month!  Can't wait to get some awesome nephew time in, lots of cousin time and get some great pictures.  He's been stuck in Vegas with Daddy but he's had two uncles, a grandma and a friend of the family watching him and no other kid interaction.  I'm super excited for him to get some cousin time!  Plus I'm going to start weaning him off the binky for my sis.  Speaking of my favorite, if only, sister...she got certified at her tower yesterday and was working the runway all by herself!  Note to self, don't fly into Cedar Rapids.  ;)  Totally kidding, Lauren!  I'm so proud of her and can't wait for her to get that transfer to Vegas to be with her family.  It can't come soon enough.  She is so strong.  I would have gone crazy by now for sure in her shoes.

Time Flies When You're Crazy

We made it through Lilly's FINAL surgery with only a 5 day hospital stay nearly 2 months ago!  She has healed great and is growing like a weed!  She decided after nearly 10 months of being toothless, to cut her first tooth while in the hospital.  She is now working on tooth number 6...she's not wasting any time now!  She is crawling, rolling over, pulling up on everything and has even become a little bit of a parrot.  All of a sudden my baby is turning into a toddler and I'm not sure I'm ready!  I was so excited for this stage with the others but since she's the last one, I've been relishing these baby months and am sad to bid them farewell.  Off to new adventures!

Maddy started preschool!

It has been really nice for both of us.  She gets to spend some time with new friends and learn in a structured environment and I get some time with just the two little ones.  Maddy has a new best friend and they are precious together!  Every day after school I get to hear what she and Delainey did!  I love it!!!

Daegan is more "all boy" than ever.  He goes through a couple outfits a day and is constantly covered in bruises and scrapes.  He still isn't talking much, but he can usually get his point across and he is trying more.  He has a little tractor my grandma got for him that has gone everywhere with him for the past month.  It's adorable.  Last weekend, we went to an air show with my sis and bro-in-law and my bro-in-law bought Daegan and Maddy little airplanes.  Daegan now goes everywhere with his tractor AND his airplane. 

As for me, I'm trying to take things a day at a time, remembering this time is fleeting and I will miss it before I know it.  There are days I cannot wait until bedtime, but most of the time I really am enjoying just being Mommy.  Maddy starting preschool has been a good way to get me to begin putting us on a schedule.  It's better for everybody and helps keep me a little more organized...though we still have plenty of chaos.  ;)

An Overwhelmed State With An Underlying Happy

I FINALLY went off my antidepressant 9 days ago and I feel better than I have in a couple of years.  It's amazing.  The last month to 6 weeks I've been in quite the funk.  So much so that I haven't even gone to church because I know enough  people in a short amount of time would ask how I'm doing that I'd eventually lose it.  I was feeling like I didn't know who I was - that I had somehow lost myself and didn't know how to find me again.  Turns out, I needed to get off my antidepressant and reinvent me.  I am a stay-home mom of 3 now.  That requires a little innovation and definitely some reinvention.  Last night I finally started feeling anxiety over Lilly's impending surgery.  It should all be over in 3 days!!!  I am worried about surgery and also my big kids and the fact that no one really has a plan surrounding what's happening.  It would be lovely if we could have a plan FOR ONCE!  I feel like I should just have to worry about Lilly and am instead worrying about everybody and everything so I spent a good part of last night and most of this morning crying.  Though the crying has been therapeutic.  Until last night I had only cried twice  since Lilly was born.  I feel like I have to be strong for everyone and it had gotten to the point that I was pretty well walking through life numb.  Though I'm anxious and stressed, I'm glad it's finally here and am so ready to close this chapter in our lives.  I tapped out a poem while cuddling Daegan to sleep last night.  Here it is:

Freedom

So overwhelmed I can't seem to stop crying.

I could try to pretend, but there's no denying:

I'm not alright.  I need a hand.

I need someone to understand.

When surrounded by family, I feel so alone.

Why aren't I conforted in the place I call home?

No one understands even though thry try.

I'm left here by myself to sit and cry.

So many emotions, they don't make sense.

So I sit here and I pray and I wish.

Can we please give "normal" a try?

Where I don't feel a need to cry,

Where everyone's happy doesn't depend on me,

And I don't feel trapped; instead I feel free.

Free to be me and be happy doing so,

Free to shed happy tears and laugh as I go,

Free from food and judgement and fear,

Free from anything I don't hold dear,

Free to be one with my Savior, God,

Free to accept my gift from above,

Free to live the life planned just for me,

Free to be who I am meant to be.

I haven't written a poem in SO long, but I don't feel like that's too bad.  I think the last time I wrote a poem was 7 years ago.  Not the greatest, but it helped.  Life is too short to feel trapped.  I'm ready for next week to be over and wave goodbye to the anxiety this chapter of our lives has carried with it.  We have all learned a lot - especially me, and we're better for it, but it's time to move on.  I'm ready to be genuinely happy for the first time in a long time without the help of medication.  I'm sure my hubby and the kiddos are too.  The countdown has begun!

Finding the Cra(funny)zy

When I'm not allowing my kids to make me feel completely crazy, they are hilarious!  They repeat everything and half the time don't repeat correctly which makes it even funnier.  Then there are the times when Maddy starts walking outside the trampoline and to get my attention says, "Oh crap!".  I set a marvelous example!  I especially like when Maddy tries to mommy Daegan and Lilly.  It's funny and irritating at the same time.  It's usually most irritating when Daegan is doing something he's not supposed to and Maddy tries to correct him or dole out some form of punishment.  Anyway, today I was doing a workout video while Lilly took a nap and Maddy and Daegan decided to join me.  It was hilarious watching them try to do jumping jacks, butt kicks, push ups and going to get water bottles to use for weights to do shoulder presses.  I had a hard time concentrating.  Especially when I was doing crunches and Daegan came running and tried to jump on me!!!  I only had to stop a couple times during the half hour workout which disappointed me, but at least I finished.  And, it was a Jillian Michaels video and she always kicks my butt.  I just need to keep it up along with my diet and I hope to be my old self again soon.  Time will tell I suppose.  I just need to hold myself accountable, keep my inner motivation stoked and if I have a setback, look at it as just that and not give up completely.  I'm down 5 lbs from where I was this time last week so instead of looking at my overall goal, I need to focus on the fact that 5 lbs in a single week is actually pretty stellar!  If I keep it up at that pace, I could be where I want to be by Lilly's 1st birthday, no problem!  Worst case, I will at least look and feel better than I do right now and definitely better than a week ago when I weighed in at my all time non-prego heaviest!!!