An Overwhelmed State With An Underlying Happy

I FINALLY went off my antidepressant 9 days ago and I feel better than I have in a couple of years.  It's amazing.  The last month to 6 weeks I've been in quite the funk.  So much so that I haven't even gone to church because I know enough  people in a short amount of time would ask how I'm doing that I'd eventually lose it.  I was feeling like I didn't know who I was - that I had somehow lost myself and didn't know how to find me again.  Turns out, I needed to get off my antidepressant and reinvent me.  I am a stay-home mom of 3 now.  That requires a little innovation and definitely some reinvention.  Last night I finally started feeling anxiety over Lilly's impending surgery.  It should all be over in 3 days!!!  I am worried about surgery and also my big kids and the fact that no one really has a plan surrounding what's happening.  It would be lovely if we could have a plan FOR ONCE!  I feel like I should just have to worry about Lilly and am instead worrying about everybody and everything so I spent a good part of last night and most of this morning crying.  Though the crying has been therapeutic.  Until last night I had only cried twice  since Lilly was born.  I feel like I have to be strong for everyone and it had gotten to the point that I was pretty well walking through life numb.  Though I'm anxious and stressed, I'm glad it's finally here and am so ready to close this chapter in our lives.  I tapped out a poem while cuddling Daegan to sleep last night.  Here it is:

Freedom

So overwhelmed I can't seem to stop crying.

I could try to pretend, but there's no denying:

I'm not alright.  I need a hand.

I need someone to understand.

When surrounded by family, I feel so alone.

Why aren't I conforted in the place I call home?

No one understands even though thry try.

I'm left here by myself to sit and cry.

So many emotions, they don't make sense.

So I sit here and I pray and I wish.

Can we please give "normal" a try?

Where I don't feel a need to cry,

Where everyone's happy doesn't depend on me,

And I don't feel trapped; instead I feel free.

Free to be me and be happy doing so,

Free to shed happy tears and laugh as I go,

Free from food and judgement and fear,

Free from anything I don't hold dear,

Free to be one with my Savior, God,

Free to accept my gift from above,

Free to live the life planned just for me,

Free to be who I am meant to be.

I haven't written a poem in SO long, but I don't feel like that's too bad.  I think the last time I wrote a poem was 7 years ago.  Not the greatest, but it helped.  Life is too short to feel trapped.  I'm ready for next week to be over and wave goodbye to the anxiety this chapter of our lives has carried with it.  We have all learned a lot - especially me, and we're better for it, but it's time to move on.  I'm ready to be genuinely happy for the first time in a long time without the help of medication.  I'm sure my hubby and the kiddos are too.  The countdown has begun!