My hope was to start weaning D-man of his binky after we got Lilly home and settled. It's been 3 months now and we've made little progress. At least we did wean him off the bottle which I hadn't already done. I deserve a slap for that one! I was even still giving him milk in it at bedtime. Yes, I know better but it was easy. I was not going to go the route of the soft-top sippy cup as we didn't get Maddy's away from her until she was nearly 3. We both about went crazy fighting over that. We switched D-man to hard top sippys and finally broke from milk in them to water in them about a month ago. Most days at nap time, all I lay him down with is a binky and I think he uses the cup more for cuddling at night as it's usually still nearly full in the mornings. We have a better drink situation at bedtime, now it's too bad he's learned how to break out of jail. If he's not ready to sleep, he climbs out of his crib lightning fast. He did it once right before Lilly was born and I wasn't sure if it scared him or liberated him. I think it scared him but only a little. It wasn't long after bringing her home that he did it again. Now, it's a daily occurrence. I suppose it's time to switch it out to his toddler bed which will be easier to get out of, but I'm already having to put him back to bed multiple times each evening anyway. Might as well switch it before he has a clumsy day and hurts himself I suppose.
Maddy is really good MOST of the time. When she's having a mood though...oh man. She quit taking regular naps a while before Lilly arrived. I could occasionally get her to fall asleep on the couch watching a movie mid-afternoon or if we were in the car. So irritating. I can get so much more done without kids hanging all over me. I suppose the housework will still be there - I certainly don't see it getting done itself. I get so frustrated when Maddy has a fit these days. After all, she is nearly four and communicates well. If she is frustrated, I expect her to be able to talk about it and if I ask her to do something and explain why, I expect her to comply and understand. I'm not sure why I feel she should have the capacity to do this by age 4 since most adults, including myself, aren't able to do this. I don't think I'm hardly ever able to convey my frustration to my husband, my mom, you name it. The kids are about the only ones I can nearly effectively communicate with. Why is this?
Fear of judgment? Fear of a fight? Fear of a withdrawal of love? I think mostly for me it's fear of starting a fight I know I will take too far. Often if I try to bring something up, especially with Hubby, it's turned back around on me. I don't deal well with this for two reasons. First, I have a real issue with people not taking accountability for their actions. Is it so hard to say I was wrong and I'm sorry? I learned how to do that at 23 years old. The second reason is that I grew up watching this happen to my mom. I get really defensive when I'm put into situations like these instead of taking a deep breath and remaining objective. At least I'm aware it's an opportunity so I can continue to be aware of it and work on it I suppose.
As we approach Christmas I'm trying to take more time than usual to think about everything I have to be thankful for. I try to do this on a regular basis, but I need to be more regular about it. I went to a fantastic women's group through church 10 days ago and we had a wonderful speaker who spoke about staying sane through the holidays and outlined why it's such a chaotic time and why we feel more stressed this time of year when we should all be filled with joy and thankfulness. We get so caught up in everything that is the end of the year and Christmas together. Not the birth of our Savior of course, but the shopping for everyone and the financial piece that goes with that. Paying of personal property taxes, beginning to get everything together for your taxes, possible end-of-year projects at work, making final contributions and donations by the end of the year. The list goes on and on. She is so right. I often get so worked up over the "joy" of gift-giving because I'm trying to stay within a budget and get just the right thing for everyone. Plus, now that we have kids, fitting in all of the holiday "musts". Silver Dollar City and the Polar Express on the Branson Scenic Railway. This year has been easier since I'm not trying to juggle the crazy holiday schedule with a work schedule. I'm very thankful for that. I may have needed a padded room by now if I were still having to do that and juggle three kids now and Lilly's trips to STL.
We are less than 3 weeks away from our next trip to STL where we will do soome labwork for Lilly and schedule surgery number 2. I think that's the one I'm most nervous about. I hadn't thought about it until our last visit with the surgeon two weeks ago. At that visit, he detailed what will be happening in the next procedure. Her condition is called imperforate anus. With the reconstruction, they will lay her on her stomach, cut from the top of her tushy crack all the way down and dissect down to where they will begin. They will make sure she has a rectum and see about a sphincter muscle. If she doesn't have a sphincter muscle, they will have to create one for her. Hopefully she does and they will just have to move it to where they will create her new anal opening. Somewhere in the midst of this, they will repair her fistula that was allowing her to excrete stool before she was given her colostomy. Then they will stitch her all up and we will wait for her to heal. It makes me hurt just thinking about it. I know how sore I was down south after giving birth and I can't imagine the pain she will be feeling after a procedure like that. Hopefully they will give her some good pain medication. I know they do plenty of this as we found out this birth defect is relatively common - 1 in 5000 to 10000 births. It's still hard to stomach for this mommy. I just need to stay calm, positive and focus on all the reasons I have to be thankful. It could be so much worse. At least my child was born with a problem that is fixable. So many parents get delivered news of a less-than-perfect child and their condition is not fixable with a few surgeries. I keep these families in my prayers.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Roller Coaster of Emotion
Hubby drove to STL in the lead with my parents directly behind and mom-in-law behind them. There were a couple moments where I wasn't certain we were going to live to see STL or Lilly again. You see, Hubby is a tech junkie though he would and does argue. When he worked from home I felt like I was competing with his laptop for attention and now that he has an Iphone, the kids and I compete with it for attention though he's always been bad about his phone. Before they got really fancy and before there was Facebook, he was talking on it ALL THE TIME. Anyway, this particular evening the road was competing with his phone for attention. Finally at the halfway mark when we stopped for a restroom break, he had also scared my parents badly enough that I took his phone away.
About an hour outside of STL I got a phone call from the resident doctor, Dr. G. She let me know that Lilly had arrived, she was all tucked in and they had run a few preliminary tests that showed a heart murmur and an enlarged heart. She said to be safe and they would see us soon. Just as I was finally feeling relief that we were getting close, I was shattered. Not only was my baby going to need surgery for a bum hole, she had a hole in her heart and possibly a too big heart? That couldn't be good. So what, open heart surgery too? My mind raced with all the terrible possibilities. When Hubby had asked the flight team what we could be looking at, they did say heart problems often accompanied her particular birth defect. Also, spinal problems, brain problems, kidney problems, and hip problems. Oh for the love! Okay, don't panic. Let's just get there. I knew I would feel better when I saw her. Or so I thought.
We arrived in STL sometime around 2am. We found parking, got visitor badges and proceeded to the NICU. We could only go in 2 at a time so Hubby and I went in. We were directed to her "suite" (nice). When we walked in, she was lying on a newborn bed with a warmer with all kinds tubes and wires. I lost it. I was so relieved to be here with my baby, yet so upset because this was not how I had imagined our first night in the hospital. And I was hurting for her. The nurse came in behind us and hugged me though I don't think she understood that a great part of my crying was relief to be there with my baby and not just sadness and shock. We headed to a sleeping room they had saved for us to get about 3 hours of sleep and our parents took the kids to their hotel rooms at the hotel that adjoins the hospital.
Sore doesn't begin to describe my body the next morning. Having pushed out a nearly 9 pound baby and then hitting the road shortly thereafter and trekking across this hospital. Ouch. I took a long hot shower and it was amazing. We went to Lilly's room to see her and hang out for rounds. Upon entering the room I saw my baby laying there, with two new tubes in her and there was blood around her tummy from one of the tubes. I lost it again. I expected to find her just like I had left her only a few short hours ago and instead, they had made my baby bleed! I know medicine and I knew there was an excellent reason but I couldn't help it. The nurse walked in and hugged me. It was a different nurse from the previous night and she said the other nurse had said I was emotional. Excuse me?! No I'm not. I understand why my baby's here and I'm fine with it. I'm just glad I'm able to be here with her. I was indignant. A few days later, when I was less on the edge of my emotional cliff I made my peace with having been "emotional" those first couple of days. I mean, hello! Of course you're going to be emotional anyway when you've just given birth not to mention if something goes wrong. Rounds were pretty uneventful and the nurse made me go eat. She ended up being my favorite nurse out of all the ones we had. Probably because she made sure I was taking care of me knowing full well I wasn't worried about taking care of myself.
The following day at 2 days old, Lilly had her first surgery. We found out she was going to probably need 3. This was not as simple as we had initially been led to believe. This first surgery was a colostomy. She would be on a colostomy bag for a few months, the second surgery would be the bum hole reconstruction and the third and final surgery would hook everything back up after she had a chance to heal from surgery number two. This was the day I had my anti-depressant dosage doubled. Things were much easier to deal with after that.
The surgery went well and our entire entourage got to accompany Lilly back down to her room. This was the first time D-man had gotten to see Lilly since she left for her plane ride from our hospital of origin since kids under 2 weren't allowed in the NICU. Of course, he didn't care but it made me feel good. Now that Lilly was through her surgery and would be released once she was producing stool and eating sufficiently, I could relax and attempt to be Mommy to my other two kids again. The next day my brother and sister came to STL to meet Lilly. The plan had been for them to come home to see her since we should have been home but oh well. It was so great to see them. The following day Hubby turned 30. What a way to spend any birthday much less a milestone one! We went to the zoo. I ate ibuprofen like it was candy and kept up. I finally got to start breastfeeding Lilly the next day and she was a pro instantly. It wouldn't be long!
Two days later, when she was one week old, we got to bring Lilly home. Her heart murmur had disappeared, turns out her heart wasn't enlarged, all her untrasounds of vital organs looked "unremarkable". We got the best case scenario. Prayers were answered! I was excited and scared all at the same time. I was finally going to be able to relax with my baby with no wires, no monitors, no nurses watching. This was exhilerating and terrifying all at the same time. What if her bag leaked and no one was home with me? It had taken 3 of us to change it at the hospital! Would she be like a "normal" newborn aside from the colostomy?
Turns out all of my worrying was for naught. It was only a couple of days after Hubby returned to work that I had to change her bag by myself for the first time and it wasn't horrible. It wasn't the easiest thing ever, but I accomplished it. I was so proud of myself! She was a ravenous eater and a fabulous sleeper. Could I really have gotten this lucky? Maddy was a decent sleeper - once she moved into our bed. We only had a few weeks of nonstop crying. D-man was a great sleeper - once he moved into our bed and only had a few nights of nonstop crying. I thought surely this was going to be my colicky baby. Nope. As long as I could keep her binky in her mouth long enough for her to fall into a good sleep, she was out and in her own bed. Had I actually done it? Finally gotten it right with baby number 3! There really was no secret to getting your baby to stay sleeping in it's own bed other than patience and not being lazy?! Wow.
About an hour outside of STL I got a phone call from the resident doctor, Dr. G. She let me know that Lilly had arrived, she was all tucked in and they had run a few preliminary tests that showed a heart murmur and an enlarged heart. She said to be safe and they would see us soon. Just as I was finally feeling relief that we were getting close, I was shattered. Not only was my baby going to need surgery for a bum hole, she had a hole in her heart and possibly a too big heart? That couldn't be good. So what, open heart surgery too? My mind raced with all the terrible possibilities. When Hubby had asked the flight team what we could be looking at, they did say heart problems often accompanied her particular birth defect. Also, spinal problems, brain problems, kidney problems, and hip problems. Oh for the love! Okay, don't panic. Let's just get there. I knew I would feel better when I saw her. Or so I thought.
We arrived in STL sometime around 2am. We found parking, got visitor badges and proceeded to the NICU. We could only go in 2 at a time so Hubby and I went in. We were directed to her "suite" (nice). When we walked in, she was lying on a newborn bed with a warmer with all kinds tubes and wires. I lost it. I was so relieved to be here with my baby, yet so upset because this was not how I had imagined our first night in the hospital. And I was hurting for her. The nurse came in behind us and hugged me though I don't think she understood that a great part of my crying was relief to be there with my baby and not just sadness and shock. We headed to a sleeping room they had saved for us to get about 3 hours of sleep and our parents took the kids to their hotel rooms at the hotel that adjoins the hospital.
Sore doesn't begin to describe my body the next morning. Having pushed out a nearly 9 pound baby and then hitting the road shortly thereafter and trekking across this hospital. Ouch. I took a long hot shower and it was amazing. We went to Lilly's room to see her and hang out for rounds. Upon entering the room I saw my baby laying there, with two new tubes in her and there was blood around her tummy from one of the tubes. I lost it again. I expected to find her just like I had left her only a few short hours ago and instead, they had made my baby bleed! I know medicine and I knew there was an excellent reason but I couldn't help it. The nurse walked in and hugged me. It was a different nurse from the previous night and she said the other nurse had said I was emotional. Excuse me?! No I'm not. I understand why my baby's here and I'm fine with it. I'm just glad I'm able to be here with her. I was indignant. A few days later, when I was less on the edge of my emotional cliff I made my peace with having been "emotional" those first couple of days. I mean, hello! Of course you're going to be emotional anyway when you've just given birth not to mention if something goes wrong. Rounds were pretty uneventful and the nurse made me go eat. She ended up being my favorite nurse out of all the ones we had. Probably because she made sure I was taking care of me knowing full well I wasn't worried about taking care of myself.
The following day at 2 days old, Lilly had her first surgery. We found out she was going to probably need 3. This was not as simple as we had initially been led to believe. This first surgery was a colostomy. She would be on a colostomy bag for a few months, the second surgery would be the bum hole reconstruction and the third and final surgery would hook everything back up after she had a chance to heal from surgery number two. This was the day I had my anti-depressant dosage doubled. Things were much easier to deal with after that.
The surgery went well and our entire entourage got to accompany Lilly back down to her room. This was the first time D-man had gotten to see Lilly since she left for her plane ride from our hospital of origin since kids under 2 weren't allowed in the NICU. Of course, he didn't care but it made me feel good. Now that Lilly was through her surgery and would be released once she was producing stool and eating sufficiently, I could relax and attempt to be Mommy to my other two kids again. The next day my brother and sister came to STL to meet Lilly. The plan had been for them to come home to see her since we should have been home but oh well. It was so great to see them. The following day Hubby turned 30. What a way to spend any birthday much less a milestone one! We went to the zoo. I ate ibuprofen like it was candy and kept up. I finally got to start breastfeeding Lilly the next day and she was a pro instantly. It wouldn't be long!
Two days later, when she was one week old, we got to bring Lilly home. Her heart murmur had disappeared, turns out her heart wasn't enlarged, all her untrasounds of vital organs looked "unremarkable". We got the best case scenario. Prayers were answered! I was excited and scared all at the same time. I was finally going to be able to relax with my baby with no wires, no monitors, no nurses watching. This was exhilerating and terrifying all at the same time. What if her bag leaked and no one was home with me? It had taken 3 of us to change it at the hospital! Would she be like a "normal" newborn aside from the colostomy?
Turns out all of my worrying was for naught. It was only a couple of days after Hubby returned to work that I had to change her bag by myself for the first time and it wasn't horrible. It wasn't the easiest thing ever, but I accomplished it. I was so proud of myself! She was a ravenous eater and a fabulous sleeper. Could I really have gotten this lucky? Maddy was a decent sleeper - once she moved into our bed. We only had a few weeks of nonstop crying. D-man was a great sleeper - once he moved into our bed and only had a few nights of nonstop crying. I thought surely this was going to be my colicky baby. Nope. As long as I could keep her binky in her mouth long enough for her to fall into a good sleep, she was out and in her own bed. Had I actually done it? Finally gotten it right with baby number 3! There really was no secret to getting your baby to stay sleeping in it's own bed other than patience and not being lazy?! Wow.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Overwhelmed Doesn't Begin to Describe it
So I was pregnant again. Now what? More shopping! I got another pair of shoes, a dress and a couple bath towels for the kids. Next stop? Another shopping center! Payless Shoes, here I come! Two more pairs of shoes and I was definitely feeling better. I'm not sure why 5 pairs of shoes made me feel like I would be able to handle having 3 children better, but it did. At least we had just gotten our tax return, so I didn't put us in the poor house buying out half the town's shoes. Hubby had called me between TJMaxx and Payless and asked how my day was going...hmmmm. I said medium; after all, it was a good day. It just wasn't going how I had planned! He asked why only medium and I asked if he was sitting down. He asked why and I told him to sit. I told him apparently baby number three was on the way. Silence....then, what is that? LAUGHTER!!! I said, "At least one of us is laughing!" I was still in overwhelm mode...how were we going to pay for child care for three? How was I going to be able to leave 3 kids with a sitter? I had a hard enough time just leaving two! And the old personal insecurities...I hadn't lost my weight after D-man and now I was going to gain again!
I found my peace with it the next day by putting it all into perspective: God only gives you what you can handle and not more than that. I knew He might be pushing me to my limits but I would be able to handle it nonetheless. I thought of all the people we know who have had trouble conceiving or weren't able to conceive at all. We were so fortunate to be so fertile! Plus, this explained why I hadn't been able to get rid of the "pudge" that had shown back up in my mid-section. I had been trying for two months to get rid of it - working out and dieting. I was thinking I was about 6 weeks pregnant because I had missed a week of pills in February. I didn't say anything to anyone except our closest friends and family of course. I made an ultrasound appointment for a couple weeks later to find out "just how many babies were in there" since I had quite the tummy already.
I met my grandma at the ultrasound place, I paid and we entered the room to count babies as I was sure there was more than one for me to be showing so much. The tech began the ultrasound and, what was that? A HUGE kid! She said I was definitely more than 9 weeks and I agreed. I asked if I was more like 14 because that could have been possible as well by my calculations if my pill hadn't been working. She said no, more like 18. Holy cow! I was nearly halfway through a pregnancy? How was that possible for so many reasons? Apparently my pill didn't work. And apparently I had mistaken the early movements for indigestion. Thinking back, I now realized small things here and there that I had written off for a number of different reasons were actually pregnancy-related! Good grief! The next shot we got of the baby didn't even give me the opportunity to decide if I wanted a surprise or not - it was definitely a girl! At least I got my other girl that I thought I was getting with D-man.
Hubby and I decided it was time to tell the world since we were nearly at the halfway mark. The financial piece was still a little overwhelming but we knew we would figure it out. After all, it wasn't like we had a choice! About a month later, my boss walked into my store unannounced. Since becoming a mom I had worked for four different companies and had worked my way up to being a retail store manager. I thought it was my dream yet I hated it with a passion. My boss and I walked around the store, made some small talk, then went to the office. I was totally unprepared for what was about to happen. Basically, since the store wasn't performing, I needed to hand over my keys and sign a resignation form or she would put me on a 30-day action plan at then end of which I WOULD be fired I was informed. Excuse me? Was it my fault it was early spring and our business hadn't yet kicked in? Was it my fault the economy wasn't improving? Well, we had a new regional manager who was all about accountability and he was pressuring her and our store was the worst performing. Are you kidding me? So I was an example. Fabulous! Did I mention I had two kids and was preggo with number 3? Thanks a frickin lot, lady! So I handed over my keys and signed the form while bawling my eyes out. I didn't want to be somewhere I so obviously wasn't wanted and I knew I wouldn't be able to pull myself together for the next 30 days anyway. I gathered my stuff and left. At least now I got the weekend off with my family.
The next week I spent sulking. I had never been "fired" (I know I technically resigned, but in my mind I got fired so deal with my verbiage!), I had never even failed a class in school (other than when I quit going to a couple of my college classes and didn't drop them.). Then reality hit. I didn't have a source of income and I was 5 months pregnant. There was no hiding it in order to get a job. I know as well as anyone there is a law against discriminating but if a woman who was 5 months pregnant with my experience and salary requirements applied against a not pregnant person with less experience and less salary requirements, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out I wasn't getting a job that would pay me a decent enough wage to offset daycare for two. Now what? I started watching a couple kids from home. Not fabulous money but it was something and we saved a ton on gas money and eating out.
Not having a job meant I actually got to be an active member of my family and life again! This was a new feeling. I could actually go to church more than my one Sunday off each month! I could spend time with my parents and see Hubby more than just in passing! I got to go to my brother's college graduation and not get phone calls from work the entire time like when I went for my nephew's birth. I got to go spend a weekend 8 hours away visiting my sis, bro-in-law and nephew-man! I got to go back and see my brother when he moved. I was getting some decent family time!
Fast forward a couple of months to near Lilly's due date. I had sent myself into false labor 3 weeks and a day before I was due by cleaning out half of my garage. Apparently not my best idea but I wanted it done! Eight days before I was due, I went on a 3 mile walk pushing the double stroller and sent myself into early labor. The contractions got regular and decently strong, but weren't progressing. I went to the hospital and got sent home. Castor oil, here I come! I was ready to not be pregnant anymore! Gag, gag, gag...NASTY!!! No baby. I desperately plead with my doctor the following day to tell me the end was coming and not make me go a week overdue. My nerves were shot, I felt angry all the time and it was 100 degrees outside! He said if I made it to my due date, we could come in the morning after to be induced. Best news I had heard in a long time.
I spent that last week doing some final cleaning but mostly relaxing since I knew it would be probably YEARS before I would get to relax again with 3 kids running around. My due date came and went with no baby. Tuesday morning we set out to the hospital. We arrived at 8am and got all checked in. The nurse checked me and I had made a little progress (I'll leave that part vague). She went to call the doctor to make sure his course of action for induction. Half an hour later, our nurse wasn't back and I had started having contractions! Another 45 minutes passed and our nurse finally returned - the lady in the other delivery room had given birth. Okay, decent excuse, you're forgiven. I let her know I had been having contractions for the last 45 minutes so we got to skip the first step in the induction process and go straight onto pitocin! I labored away until I was supremely uncomfortable. Okay, can I get my epidural now? Doc showed up, I was nearing a 7 so I got my epidural. Ahhhhhh, relief. I could do this all day now. An hour later-ish....okay, now I'm really hurting again! Bolis please! Doc came back, pushed my bolis and I was at a 9! About 15 minutes later I was ready. Get everyone in here! It's go time! I pushed 3 times. Whoa! How big is that kid and are we sure I'm only a day overdue?! 8lbs., 12oz.. Ho-ly cow!
Some time after she was born the bomb dropped. Our baby had a problem. She didn't have an anal opening, or as I like to say, no bum hole. How was that possible? There was meconium when my water broke! It was coming out a different opening that it shouldn't be able to! Okay, what now? Maddy's pediatrician was Lilly's first consult and she came in to give me the lowdown. Lilly was going to fly in an airplane in the next couple of hours to St. Louis Children's Hospital where she would be seen by specialists to get her taken care of. They would release me too and I might be able to fly with her, but I might have to drive and meet her. Okay, time to process. I had to worry about my perfectly imperfect newborn and still be mommy to the other two? Yikes. Hubby went home and got the 4 of us packed. My parents went home and packed and mom-in-law already had stuff in her car. Okay.
The air team showed up and got Lilly all packed up and ready for her first flight at about 7 hours old. I was released from the hospital about 6 hours after giving birth and hung around until Lilly left. Mom-in-law took Maddy in her car, my parents took D-man with them and Hubby and I rode alone in our car. Caravan to STL. That was the longest drive of my life. Plenty of time to try to process what had just happened and start freaking out about it.
TO BE CONTINUED...
I found my peace with it the next day by putting it all into perspective: God only gives you what you can handle and not more than that. I knew He might be pushing me to my limits but I would be able to handle it nonetheless. I thought of all the people we know who have had trouble conceiving or weren't able to conceive at all. We were so fortunate to be so fertile! Plus, this explained why I hadn't been able to get rid of the "pudge" that had shown back up in my mid-section. I had been trying for two months to get rid of it - working out and dieting. I was thinking I was about 6 weeks pregnant because I had missed a week of pills in February. I didn't say anything to anyone except our closest friends and family of course. I made an ultrasound appointment for a couple weeks later to find out "just how many babies were in there" since I had quite the tummy already.
I met my grandma at the ultrasound place, I paid and we entered the room to count babies as I was sure there was more than one for me to be showing so much. The tech began the ultrasound and, what was that? A HUGE kid! She said I was definitely more than 9 weeks and I agreed. I asked if I was more like 14 because that could have been possible as well by my calculations if my pill hadn't been working. She said no, more like 18. Holy cow! I was nearly halfway through a pregnancy? How was that possible for so many reasons? Apparently my pill didn't work. And apparently I had mistaken the early movements for indigestion. Thinking back, I now realized small things here and there that I had written off for a number of different reasons were actually pregnancy-related! Good grief! The next shot we got of the baby didn't even give me the opportunity to decide if I wanted a surprise or not - it was definitely a girl! At least I got my other girl that I thought I was getting with D-man.
Hubby and I decided it was time to tell the world since we were nearly at the halfway mark. The financial piece was still a little overwhelming but we knew we would figure it out. After all, it wasn't like we had a choice! About a month later, my boss walked into my store unannounced. Since becoming a mom I had worked for four different companies and had worked my way up to being a retail store manager. I thought it was my dream yet I hated it with a passion. My boss and I walked around the store, made some small talk, then went to the office. I was totally unprepared for what was about to happen. Basically, since the store wasn't performing, I needed to hand over my keys and sign a resignation form or she would put me on a 30-day action plan at then end of which I WOULD be fired I was informed. Excuse me? Was it my fault it was early spring and our business hadn't yet kicked in? Was it my fault the economy wasn't improving? Well, we had a new regional manager who was all about accountability and he was pressuring her and our store was the worst performing. Are you kidding me? So I was an example. Fabulous! Did I mention I had two kids and was preggo with number 3? Thanks a frickin lot, lady! So I handed over my keys and signed the form while bawling my eyes out. I didn't want to be somewhere I so obviously wasn't wanted and I knew I wouldn't be able to pull myself together for the next 30 days anyway. I gathered my stuff and left. At least now I got the weekend off with my family.
The next week I spent sulking. I had never been "fired" (I know I technically resigned, but in my mind I got fired so deal with my verbiage!), I had never even failed a class in school (other than when I quit going to a couple of my college classes and didn't drop them.). Then reality hit. I didn't have a source of income and I was 5 months pregnant. There was no hiding it in order to get a job. I know as well as anyone there is a law against discriminating but if a woman who was 5 months pregnant with my experience and salary requirements applied against a not pregnant person with less experience and less salary requirements, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out I wasn't getting a job that would pay me a decent enough wage to offset daycare for two. Now what? I started watching a couple kids from home. Not fabulous money but it was something and we saved a ton on gas money and eating out.
Not having a job meant I actually got to be an active member of my family and life again! This was a new feeling. I could actually go to church more than my one Sunday off each month! I could spend time with my parents and see Hubby more than just in passing! I got to go to my brother's college graduation and not get phone calls from work the entire time like when I went for my nephew's birth. I got to go spend a weekend 8 hours away visiting my sis, bro-in-law and nephew-man! I got to go back and see my brother when he moved. I was getting some decent family time!
Fast forward a couple of months to near Lilly's due date. I had sent myself into false labor 3 weeks and a day before I was due by cleaning out half of my garage. Apparently not my best idea but I wanted it done! Eight days before I was due, I went on a 3 mile walk pushing the double stroller and sent myself into early labor. The contractions got regular and decently strong, but weren't progressing. I went to the hospital and got sent home. Castor oil, here I come! I was ready to not be pregnant anymore! Gag, gag, gag...NASTY!!! No baby. I desperately plead with my doctor the following day to tell me the end was coming and not make me go a week overdue. My nerves were shot, I felt angry all the time and it was 100 degrees outside! He said if I made it to my due date, we could come in the morning after to be induced. Best news I had heard in a long time.
I spent that last week doing some final cleaning but mostly relaxing since I knew it would be probably YEARS before I would get to relax again with 3 kids running around. My due date came and went with no baby. Tuesday morning we set out to the hospital. We arrived at 8am and got all checked in. The nurse checked me and I had made a little progress (I'll leave that part vague). She went to call the doctor to make sure his course of action for induction. Half an hour later, our nurse wasn't back and I had started having contractions! Another 45 minutes passed and our nurse finally returned - the lady in the other delivery room had given birth. Okay, decent excuse, you're forgiven. I let her know I had been having contractions for the last 45 minutes so we got to skip the first step in the induction process and go straight onto pitocin! I labored away until I was supremely uncomfortable. Okay, can I get my epidural now? Doc showed up, I was nearing a 7 so I got my epidural. Ahhhhhh, relief. I could do this all day now. An hour later-ish....okay, now I'm really hurting again! Bolis please! Doc came back, pushed my bolis and I was at a 9! About 15 minutes later I was ready. Get everyone in here! It's go time! I pushed 3 times. Whoa! How big is that kid and are we sure I'm only a day overdue?! 8lbs., 12oz.. Ho-ly cow!
Some time after she was born the bomb dropped. Our baby had a problem. She didn't have an anal opening, or as I like to say, no bum hole. How was that possible? There was meconium when my water broke! It was coming out a different opening that it shouldn't be able to! Okay, what now? Maddy's pediatrician was Lilly's first consult and she came in to give me the lowdown. Lilly was going to fly in an airplane in the next couple of hours to St. Louis Children's Hospital where she would be seen by specialists to get her taken care of. They would release me too and I might be able to fly with her, but I might have to drive and meet her. Okay, time to process. I had to worry about my perfectly imperfect newborn and still be mommy to the other two? Yikes. Hubby went home and got the 4 of us packed. My parents went home and packed and mom-in-law already had stuff in her car. Okay.
The air team showed up and got Lilly all packed up and ready for her first flight at about 7 hours old. I was released from the hospital about 6 hours after giving birth and hung around until Lilly left. Mom-in-law took Maddy in her car, my parents took D-man with them and Hubby and I rode alone in our car. Caravan to STL. That was the longest drive of my life. Plenty of time to try to process what had just happened and start freaking out about it.
TO BE CONTINUED...
Monday, December 13, 2010
The Beginning
Which beginning shall we start with? How about the beginning of being Mommy for that is when things began to get REALLY interesting. Before that there were just personal insecurities (which there are still plenty of) and some hilarious albeit now irrelevant work anecdotes.
Maddy was the most planned of the 3 critters though the month we got pregnant with her was the month we quit "trying" since we were having huge issues getting closed on our home. We figured we should probably have a home before having a baby. One week after finally moving in, a magical stick told us to expect a baby! Pure joy. We found out at 10 weeks that we were carrying TWINS! There were so many emotions...excitement, panic, overwhelm and plenty of others I cannot name. Two weeks later we saw two fetuses but they were different sizes and only one had a heartbeat. We had just accepted and made peace with two but now there was only one. The question? Would we be able to meet that one or would we lose it as well? Throughout the rest of my pregnancy, I was terrified I wouldn't get to meet this life I was trying to grow and protect.
I worked full time in retail until two weeks before my due date. I had two false labors. Thanks, Braxton Hicks contractions! Then 12 days before she was due, my water broke. It was hilarious. I was laying in bed having a contraction which made me need to pee, started to sit up to go and...GUSH! I slapped my hubby and told him my water broke. He asked if I was sure so I grabbed his hand and put it on the soaked bed so he could decide for himself. I got up and laughed all the way to the bathroom to relieve myself because I felt like I was peeing all over our room and the bathroom. I called my mom and laughed all the way through that conversation as well. We headed to the hospital, stopped at McD's to get a little breakfast that I was too excited to eat and made it to the hospital. When we got out of the vehicle, my hubby stopped to throw up, haha! And we got checked in for the great waiting game. 15 hours after our arrival at the hospital we were told it was about time to push. Maddy finally arrived and I was a mom.
It's funny...I was so comfortable around every baby I had ever been around, but I was terrified of my own child. She cried A LOT. My mom seemed to be the only person who could make her stop. There were so many sleepless nights. Before she was two months old, she slept in my bed because it cut down on the crying. I got to go back to work and Hubby was left to work from home and deal with the baby. He lasted about 9 months. He wasn't enjoying his job and really wasn't enjoying doing his job AND being Mr. Mom so he had let his work slide to the point of feeling like he was about to get fired so he needed to quit. I was hacked off to say the least. He and his boss decided he would finish the month so he could wrap some things up with them and work on finding another job. He decided working for Aflac might be just the ticket...he is NOT a salesman. He studied, paid $75 to take the test and failed. He was already finished with his other job so now the question was whether to pay $75 to take the test again and possibly fail again or find another job opportunity so we could quit trying to live on a single income. He decided to go back to doing what he had done before the work at home job and be a lake bum (he actually has a job ON the lake).
This is the point where I had to start handing my daughter over for someone else to take care of her while Hubby and I worked. It was so much more difficult than I imagined it would be. A couple of months into this, I got pregnant again (RIGHT after losing all my weight and being smaller than I had been since the summer I got married). This one was a little bit of a surprise but I wasn't taking the pill and was only calendar watching to try and avoid the "opportune" time of the month. We were excited. I was so excited that I gained 55 pounds. My logic was that I had lost it once so I could do it again. At least I had finally gotten Maddy into her own bed in her own room at 14 months old. I said I would NEVER do that again. This child was going to sleep in their own bed, PERIOD.
At 21 weeks, we found out we were expecting another girl! I got a few matching outfits but didn't do a lot of shopping beyond that since this baby was due 2 days after Maddy's original due date. I was just hoping they would be close to the same size and we would be fine. Then, the week of Christmas, we got a 3D ultrasound. In the middle of it, the tech put her hand on my arm and said she had some news for me and my family. I think I quit breathing and she must have felt it. She said, "Still one baby (I began breathing again), but it's a boy!" Wait, what?! Sure enough. There was NO denying it. Okay, time to return my cute matching outfits and start shopping for a boy. Boys weren't fun to shop for! There were no hair bows!
My little man arrived 2 weeks after Maddy turned 2 and life sped up some more. At least D-man didn't cry as much as Maddy but he still didn't like going to bed. I was back to work and exhausted all the time so what happened? He ended up where I said he NEVER would be - in bed with Hubby and I! Again I went back to work but we had it worked out so either Hubby, myself or my parents had the kids. We couldn't afford daycare and I really didn't want strangers watching my kids. We were able to keep it up till D-man was about 6 months old. At that point, my best friend started watching the kids when we needed it. She has 3 kids of her own plus a stepchild so that didn't work for too long since she already had her hands FULL. I found a lady through someone who had been recommended to me but was full. I met her and liked her so I started taking the kids to her. One day her 4 year old asks me why my baby cries all the time. Excuse me? I had the happiest little man on the planet! He only cried if he was hungry. What kind of place was this if my perpetually happy baby cried all the time? The lady asked me if he was held all the time at home. Well, about as much as anyone would or should hold a 7-8 month old. Apparently she had better things to do than take care of my child like I wanted. Enter my fabulous sister-in-laws. They took turns all winter watching the kids for me. I did a little better with D-man getting him into his own bed in his own room. He was only a year old when it happened for him. He was growing up so fast! Both my sister-in-laws had to get back to work in the spring so I found an amazing lady I had known for about 7 years to watch the kiddos.
One day on our way to her house, I had to pull over and get sick. Um...what just happened? All I had done that morning was take my multi-vitamin and drank some juice with it. Wait...the only time taking my vitamin in the morning has ever bugged me is when I was pregnant. But that's not possible - I'm on the pill and practically abstinent! Okay, don't panic, just get the kids to daycare. Maddy asks me upon getting back into the car if my tummy has a "froblem". I said yes and she says maybe it wants a baby. Excuse me? Do you know something I don't? I dropped the kids off and went to Target to get a test. I bought the test and two pairs of shoes. I had a feeling I'd need some shoes to make it through the results of this test. I dropped the shoes off in my car and went into TJMaxx. First stop, bathroom. I took my test and stared at it waiting for the results I already knew. Sure enough - two lines. First thought? Crap. HORROR! I did not just think that about creating a life...GUILT.
TO BE CONTINUED...
Maddy was the most planned of the 3 critters though the month we got pregnant with her was the month we quit "trying" since we were having huge issues getting closed on our home. We figured we should probably have a home before having a baby. One week after finally moving in, a magical stick told us to expect a baby! Pure joy. We found out at 10 weeks that we were carrying TWINS! There were so many emotions...excitement, panic, overwhelm and plenty of others I cannot name. Two weeks later we saw two fetuses but they were different sizes and only one had a heartbeat. We had just accepted and made peace with two but now there was only one. The question? Would we be able to meet that one or would we lose it as well? Throughout the rest of my pregnancy, I was terrified I wouldn't get to meet this life I was trying to grow and protect.
I worked full time in retail until two weeks before my due date. I had two false labors. Thanks, Braxton Hicks contractions! Then 12 days before she was due, my water broke. It was hilarious. I was laying in bed having a contraction which made me need to pee, started to sit up to go and...GUSH! I slapped my hubby and told him my water broke. He asked if I was sure so I grabbed his hand and put it on the soaked bed so he could decide for himself. I got up and laughed all the way to the bathroom to relieve myself because I felt like I was peeing all over our room and the bathroom. I called my mom and laughed all the way through that conversation as well. We headed to the hospital, stopped at McD's to get a little breakfast that I was too excited to eat and made it to the hospital. When we got out of the vehicle, my hubby stopped to throw up, haha! And we got checked in for the great waiting game. 15 hours after our arrival at the hospital we were told it was about time to push. Maddy finally arrived and I was a mom.
It's funny...I was so comfortable around every baby I had ever been around, but I was terrified of my own child. She cried A LOT. My mom seemed to be the only person who could make her stop. There were so many sleepless nights. Before she was two months old, she slept in my bed because it cut down on the crying. I got to go back to work and Hubby was left to work from home and deal with the baby. He lasted about 9 months. He wasn't enjoying his job and really wasn't enjoying doing his job AND being Mr. Mom so he had let his work slide to the point of feeling like he was about to get fired so he needed to quit. I was hacked off to say the least. He and his boss decided he would finish the month so he could wrap some things up with them and work on finding another job. He decided working for Aflac might be just the ticket...he is NOT a salesman. He studied, paid $75 to take the test and failed. He was already finished with his other job so now the question was whether to pay $75 to take the test again and possibly fail again or find another job opportunity so we could quit trying to live on a single income. He decided to go back to doing what he had done before the work at home job and be a lake bum (he actually has a job ON the lake).
This is the point where I had to start handing my daughter over for someone else to take care of her while Hubby and I worked. It was so much more difficult than I imagined it would be. A couple of months into this, I got pregnant again (RIGHT after losing all my weight and being smaller than I had been since the summer I got married). This one was a little bit of a surprise but I wasn't taking the pill and was only calendar watching to try and avoid the "opportune" time of the month. We were excited. I was so excited that I gained 55 pounds. My logic was that I had lost it once so I could do it again. At least I had finally gotten Maddy into her own bed in her own room at 14 months old. I said I would NEVER do that again. This child was going to sleep in their own bed, PERIOD.
At 21 weeks, we found out we were expecting another girl! I got a few matching outfits but didn't do a lot of shopping beyond that since this baby was due 2 days after Maddy's original due date. I was just hoping they would be close to the same size and we would be fine. Then, the week of Christmas, we got a 3D ultrasound. In the middle of it, the tech put her hand on my arm and said she had some news for me and my family. I think I quit breathing and she must have felt it. She said, "Still one baby (I began breathing again), but it's a boy!" Wait, what?! Sure enough. There was NO denying it. Okay, time to return my cute matching outfits and start shopping for a boy. Boys weren't fun to shop for! There were no hair bows!
My little man arrived 2 weeks after Maddy turned 2 and life sped up some more. At least D-man didn't cry as much as Maddy but he still didn't like going to bed. I was back to work and exhausted all the time so what happened? He ended up where I said he NEVER would be - in bed with Hubby and I! Again I went back to work but we had it worked out so either Hubby, myself or my parents had the kids. We couldn't afford daycare and I really didn't want strangers watching my kids. We were able to keep it up till D-man was about 6 months old. At that point, my best friend started watching the kids when we needed it. She has 3 kids of her own plus a stepchild so that didn't work for too long since she already had her hands FULL. I found a lady through someone who had been recommended to me but was full. I met her and liked her so I started taking the kids to her. One day her 4 year old asks me why my baby cries all the time. Excuse me? I had the happiest little man on the planet! He only cried if he was hungry. What kind of place was this if my perpetually happy baby cried all the time? The lady asked me if he was held all the time at home. Well, about as much as anyone would or should hold a 7-8 month old. Apparently she had better things to do than take care of my child like I wanted. Enter my fabulous sister-in-laws. They took turns all winter watching the kids for me. I did a little better with D-man getting him into his own bed in his own room. He was only a year old when it happened for him. He was growing up so fast! Both my sister-in-laws had to get back to work in the spring so I found an amazing lady I had known for about 7 years to watch the kiddos.
One day on our way to her house, I had to pull over and get sick. Um...what just happened? All I had done that morning was take my multi-vitamin and drank some juice with it. Wait...the only time taking my vitamin in the morning has ever bugged me is when I was pregnant. But that's not possible - I'm on the pill and practically abstinent! Okay, don't panic, just get the kids to daycare. Maddy asks me upon getting back into the car if my tummy has a "froblem". I said yes and she says maybe it wants a baby. Excuse me? Do you know something I don't? I dropped the kids off and went to Target to get a test. I bought the test and two pairs of shoes. I had a feeling I'd need some shoes to make it through the results of this test. I dropped the shoes off in my car and went into TJMaxx. First stop, bathroom. I took my test and stared at it waiting for the results I already knew. Sure enough - two lines. First thought? Crap. HORROR! I did not just think that about creating a life...GUILT.
TO BE CONTINUED...
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