My hope was to start weaning D-man of his binky after we got Lilly home and settled. It's been 3 months now and we've made little progress. At least we did wean him off the bottle which I hadn't already done. I deserve a slap for that one! I was even still giving him milk in it at bedtime. Yes, I know better but it was easy. I was not going to go the route of the soft-top sippy cup as we didn't get Maddy's away from her until she was nearly 3. We both about went crazy fighting over that. We switched D-man to hard top sippys and finally broke from milk in them to water in them about a month ago. Most days at nap time, all I lay him down with is a binky and I think he uses the cup more for cuddling at night as it's usually still nearly full in the mornings. We have a better drink situation at bedtime, now it's too bad he's learned how to break out of jail. If he's not ready to sleep, he climbs out of his crib lightning fast. He did it once right before Lilly was born and I wasn't sure if it scared him or liberated him. I think it scared him but only a little. It wasn't long after bringing her home that he did it again. Now, it's a daily occurrence. I suppose it's time to switch it out to his toddler bed which will be easier to get out of, but I'm already having to put him back to bed multiple times each evening anyway. Might as well switch it before he has a clumsy day and hurts himself I suppose.
Maddy is really good MOST of the time. When she's having a mood though...oh man. She quit taking regular naps a while before Lilly arrived. I could occasionally get her to fall asleep on the couch watching a movie mid-afternoon or if we were in the car. So irritating. I can get so much more done without kids hanging all over me. I suppose the housework will still be there - I certainly don't see it getting done itself. I get so frustrated when Maddy has a fit these days. After all, she is nearly four and communicates well. If she is frustrated, I expect her to be able to talk about it and if I ask her to do something and explain why, I expect her to comply and understand. I'm not sure why I feel she should have the capacity to do this by age 4 since most adults, including myself, aren't able to do this. I don't think I'm hardly ever able to convey my frustration to my husband, my mom, you name it. The kids are about the only ones I can nearly effectively communicate with. Why is this?
Fear of judgment? Fear of a fight? Fear of a withdrawal of love? I think mostly for me it's fear of starting a fight I know I will take too far. Often if I try to bring something up, especially with Hubby, it's turned back around on me. I don't deal well with this for two reasons. First, I have a real issue with people not taking accountability for their actions. Is it so hard to say I was wrong and I'm sorry? I learned how to do that at 23 years old. The second reason is that I grew up watching this happen to my mom. I get really defensive when I'm put into situations like these instead of taking a deep breath and remaining objective. At least I'm aware it's an opportunity so I can continue to be aware of it and work on it I suppose.
As we approach Christmas I'm trying to take more time than usual to think about everything I have to be thankful for. I try to do this on a regular basis, but I need to be more regular about it. I went to a fantastic women's group through church 10 days ago and we had a wonderful speaker who spoke about staying sane through the holidays and outlined why it's such a chaotic time and why we feel more stressed this time of year when we should all be filled with joy and thankfulness. We get so caught up in everything that is the end of the year and Christmas together. Not the birth of our Savior of course, but the shopping for everyone and the financial piece that goes with that. Paying of personal property taxes, beginning to get everything together for your taxes, possible end-of-year projects at work, making final contributions and donations by the end of the year. The list goes on and on. She is so right. I often get so worked up over the "joy" of gift-giving because I'm trying to stay within a budget and get just the right thing for everyone. Plus, now that we have kids, fitting in all of the holiday "musts". Silver Dollar City and the Polar Express on the Branson Scenic Railway. This year has been easier since I'm not trying to juggle the crazy holiday schedule with a work schedule. I'm very thankful for that. I may have needed a padded room by now if I were still having to do that and juggle three kids now and Lilly's trips to STL.
We are less than 3 weeks away from our next trip to STL where we will do soome labwork for Lilly and schedule surgery number 2. I think that's the one I'm most nervous about. I hadn't thought about it until our last visit with the surgeon two weeks ago. At that visit, he detailed what will be happening in the next procedure. Her condition is called imperforate anus. With the reconstruction, they will lay her on her stomach, cut from the top of her tushy crack all the way down and dissect down to where they will begin. They will make sure she has a rectum and see about a sphincter muscle. If she doesn't have a sphincter muscle, they will have to create one for her. Hopefully she does and they will just have to move it to where they will create her new anal opening. Somewhere in the midst of this, they will repair her fistula that was allowing her to excrete stool before she was given her colostomy. Then they will stitch her all up and we will wait for her to heal. It makes me hurt just thinking about it. I know how sore I was down south after giving birth and I can't imagine the pain she will be feeling after a procedure like that. Hopefully they will give her some good pain medication. I know they do plenty of this as we found out this birth defect is relatively common - 1 in 5000 to 10000 births. It's still hard to stomach for this mommy. I just need to stay calm, positive and focus on all the reasons I have to be thankful. It could be so much worse. At least my child was born with a problem that is fixable. So many parents get delivered news of a less-than-perfect child and their condition is not fixable with a few surgeries. I keep these families in my prayers.
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