The Big "1"

Lilly turned 1!  I can't believe it's been a year since we were blessed with her and I had the single longest week of my life.  Her entire birthday week, I kept remembering back and thinking how much we've been through this year.  It's been crazy.  Since I'm home and "have more time", I decided to do lots of crafty things for her birthday.  It went pretty well!

 Lilly's cake!  I baked every bit of this from scratch.  The bottom layer is chocolate with buttercream icing and buttercream fondant, the middle layer is white with buttercream icing and buttercream fondant, and the ladybug which was Lilly's smash cake was butter cake with buttercream icing and buttercream fondant.  It was all quite fabulous!  The smash cake being covered in fondant was cute, but it wasn't that messy for smashing.  : /

I made two giant hairbows for little miss thang's hair.

I painted a onesie for her.  I put the polka dot 1 on the font, her name on the back in red with black outline and a ladybug on her tushy.

And I made her a big double layer tutu with a big ladybug bow on the front.

Smashing the ladybug!

I forgot I made her a hat to wear during the cake smashing so we threw it on her for some pics when we remembered. 

The ladybug party was a success!  Everyone had a good time, the food was good, the cake was good, Lilly did a great job especially since she got woken up from her morning nap by thunder.  My big kids did a good job not crowding her and the other kids we invited didn't try to open her presents for her!  It was so great being surrounded by people we love and for me to be able to show off some of my craftiness!  I was pretty proud of how things turned out.

Time Flies When You're Crazy

We made it through Lilly's FINAL surgery with only a 5 day hospital stay nearly 2 months ago!  She has healed great and is growing like a weed!  She decided after nearly 10 months of being toothless, to cut her first tooth while in the hospital.  She is now working on tooth number 6...she's not wasting any time now!  She is crawling, rolling over, pulling up on everything and has even become a little bit of a parrot.  All of a sudden my baby is turning into a toddler and I'm not sure I'm ready!  I was so excited for this stage with the others but since she's the last one, I've been relishing these baby months and am sad to bid them farewell.  Off to new adventures!

Maddy started preschool!

It has been really nice for both of us.  She gets to spend some time with new friends and learn in a structured environment and I get some time with just the two little ones.  Maddy has a new best friend and they are precious together!  Every day after school I get to hear what she and Delainey did!  I love it!!!

Daegan is more "all boy" than ever.  He goes through a couple outfits a day and is constantly covered in bruises and scrapes.  He still isn't talking much, but he can usually get his point across and he is trying more.  He has a little tractor my grandma got for him that has gone everywhere with him for the past month.  It's adorable.  Last weekend, we went to an air show with my sis and bro-in-law and my bro-in-law bought Daegan and Maddy little airplanes.  Daegan now goes everywhere with his tractor AND his airplane. 

As for me, I'm trying to take things a day at a time, remembering this time is fleeting and I will miss it before I know it.  There are days I cannot wait until bedtime, but most of the time I really am enjoying just being Mommy.  Maddy starting preschool has been a good way to get me to begin putting us on a schedule.  It's better for everybody and helps keep me a little more organized...though we still have plenty of chaos.  ;)

Homeless at Home

A few nights ago my neice and nephew were having a sleepover at my house while they are in town for a week and a half.  I was having a blast with them, but was feeling the need to get out of the house and away from kiddos to clear my head as Lilly's surgery was weighing heavily on me being only a couple days out at that point.  I waited until the 3 big kids were settled in and all Daegan needed was some cuddle time and Lilly and I left for walmart.  Even though we had gotten our van back from the shop that day, I took my parents' truck because my plates had expired while it was at the shop and I didn't want to be pulled over at 11:30 at night if I could help it.  Daegan got upset we were leaving him and threw a fit at the front door, but Lilly and I were off.

We grabbed Texas toast at the store because I had decided I wanted to make the kids French toast the next morning and I grabbed the hubby a couple pizzas since we were getting ready to come up to STL for Lilly's final surgery and I knew he would be home by himself for at least a few days.  When we got back home, the porch lights and living room lights were on just like when we had left.  What was different?  The deadbolt was locked and I didn't have my house keys which are attached to my van keys that were sitting on the ledge just inside the door.  Nick wasn't sitting on the couch...great.

I called his phone; no answer.  I rapped lightly on the glass next to the front door; nothing.  I walked around the side of the house to see if our bathroom light was on to be sure he wasn't in the shower; nope.  I walked back around the front and peered through the glass to see if the back door was locked which it was, of course.  I called again and again there was no answer.  I decided to weed my overgrown flower bed while I thought things out.  My van was locked or I could have used my garage door opener and gotten in that way.  No other way in the house, my key to my parents' house was with my house key in my house and they didn't have a spare key outside either.  I guess I could sleep outside on the hammock or the trampoline.  Lilly just needs me for milk and it was warm enough.  I just might get eaten alive by mosquitos.  At least  we had options. 

GIANT SPIDER!!!  And here came the tears.  Enough weeding the flowers, I was getting in the house.  I banged on the door and rang the doorbell.  At least if I woke one of the big kids up, they could wake Nick up to come unlock the door.  Silence.  I called again; no answer.  I was sobbing.  I rang the doorbell 5 times and pounded on the front door hard and long enough, I was sure it was rattling the entire house.  Nick FINALLY came out (he had fallen asleep in Daegan's room cuddling him to sleep) and unlocked the door to let us in.  I lost it and started crying to hard that I could barely breathe.  I had left the house to clear my head, take some deep breaths and find some peace...I did not feel better.

I hated that feeling of helplessness.  And I hated feeling so ridiculous standing outside my own home without a way in feeling homeless.  It gave me a greater empathy for those who feel that way every night - wondering where they are going to sleep and if they will be safe there.  I am so thankful for all the blessings in my life.  Especially that I no longer have such a violent streak so I didn't beat the hubby senseless for deadbolting the front door after we left.

An Overwhelmed State With An Underlying Happy

I FINALLY went off my antidepressant 9 days ago and I feel better than I have in a couple of years.  It's amazing.  The last month to 6 weeks I've been in quite the funk.  So much so that I haven't even gone to church because I know enough  people in a short amount of time would ask how I'm doing that I'd eventually lose it.  I was feeling like I didn't know who I was - that I had somehow lost myself and didn't know how to find me again.  Turns out, I needed to get off my antidepressant and reinvent me.  I am a stay-home mom of 3 now.  That requires a little innovation and definitely some reinvention.  Last night I finally started feeling anxiety over Lilly's impending surgery.  It should all be over in 3 days!!!  I am worried about surgery and also my big kids and the fact that no one really has a plan surrounding what's happening.  It would be lovely if we could have a plan FOR ONCE!  I feel like I should just have to worry about Lilly and am instead worrying about everybody and everything so I spent a good part of last night and most of this morning crying.  Though the crying has been therapeutic.  Until last night I had only cried twice  since Lilly was born.  I feel like I have to be strong for everyone and it had gotten to the point that I was pretty well walking through life numb.  Though I'm anxious and stressed, I'm glad it's finally here and am so ready to close this chapter in our lives.  I tapped out a poem while cuddling Daegan to sleep last night.  Here it is:

Freedom

So overwhelmed I can't seem to stop crying.

I could try to pretend, but there's no denying:

I'm not alright.  I need a hand.

I need someone to understand.

When surrounded by family, I feel so alone.

Why aren't I conforted in the place I call home?

No one understands even though thry try.

I'm left here by myself to sit and cry.

So many emotions, they don't make sense.

So I sit here and I pray and I wish.

Can we please give "normal" a try?

Where I don't feel a need to cry,

Where everyone's happy doesn't depend on me,

And I don't feel trapped; instead I feel free.

Free to be me and be happy doing so,

Free to shed happy tears and laugh as I go,

Free from food and judgement and fear,

Free from anything I don't hold dear,

Free to be one with my Savior, God,

Free to accept my gift from above,

Free to live the life planned just for me,

Free to be who I am meant to be.

I haven't written a poem in SO long, but I don't feel like that's too bad.  I think the last time I wrote a poem was 7 years ago.  Not the greatest, but it helped.  Life is too short to feel trapped.  I'm ready for next week to be over and wave goodbye to the anxiety this chapter of our lives has carried with it.  We have all learned a lot - especially me, and we're better for it, but it's time to move on.  I'm ready to be genuinely happy for the first time in a long time without the help of medication.  I'm sure my hubby and the kiddos are too.  The countdown has begun!

Finding the Cra(funny)zy

When I'm not allowing my kids to make me feel completely crazy, they are hilarious!  They repeat everything and half the time don't repeat correctly which makes it even funnier.  Then there are the times when Maddy starts walking outside the trampoline and to get my attention says, "Oh crap!".  I set a marvelous example!  I especially like when Maddy tries to mommy Daegan and Lilly.  It's funny and irritating at the same time.  It's usually most irritating when Daegan is doing something he's not supposed to and Maddy tries to correct him or dole out some form of punishment.  Anyway, today I was doing a workout video while Lilly took a nap and Maddy and Daegan decided to join me.  It was hilarious watching them try to do jumping jacks, butt kicks, push ups and going to get water bottles to use for weights to do shoulder presses.  I had a hard time concentrating.  Especially when I was doing crunches and Daegan came running and tried to jump on me!!!  I only had to stop a couple times during the half hour workout which disappointed me, but at least I finished.  And, it was a Jillian Michaels video and she always kicks my butt.  I just need to keep it up along with my diet and I hope to be my old self again soon.  Time will tell I suppose.  I just need to hold myself accountable, keep my inner motivation stoked and if I have a setback, look at it as just that and not give up completely.  I'm down 5 lbs from where I was this time last week so instead of looking at my overall goal, I need to focus on the fact that 5 lbs in a single week is actually pretty stellar!  If I keep it up at that pace, I could be where I want to be by Lilly's 1st birthday, no problem!  Worst case, I will at least look and feel better than I do right now and definitely better than a week ago when I weighed in at my all time non-prego heaviest!!!

Putting the SPRING Back in my Step

     Some days I just want to scream!  I do so well mentally, emotionally, watch what I eat and exercise...then I have a cranky day or the kids get a little too wild and I'm back in the pit I started in.  I know so much of it is mind over matter but I just can't seem to get control over it.  I desperately want to but I guess something inside is holding me back.  I love food, but I don't live for it.  I've done without and lost the weight before.  I wish I could just take a step outside of myself and figure out what it is.  I know I get a little overwhelmed when I think about my ultimate weight loss goal, but I also need to think about the smaller, more achievable and immediate goals.  Right now I feel like being a recluse.  I don't even want to go to church on Sundays - it's bad.  At least my kids hold me accountable to getting up in the morning and feeding them so they aren't neglected.  I even manage to play with them a bit every day.  I'm ready to climb out of this black hole!  I am thankful for my friends and family who always support me no matter what I'm going through or what I look like.  If it weren't for them, I wouldn't be able to see the sun shining above me waiting for me to emerge.

Erin Got Her Groove Back

Well, I've been in quite the funk for the past 5 weeks or so.  I bottomed out between last week and the beginning of this week and have finally begun climbing out of it the last couple of days.  It's about time.  I was starting to wonder if I would ever come out on the other side.  I was beginning to understand how some moms become alcoholics.  I was contemplating drinking my problems away though I tried that when I was younger and it never helped.  I've also seen plenty of adults go down a horrible path lined with empty bottles and knew that wouldn't help me.  Plenty of reading and praying later and I've become numb when stretching Lilly's tushy and I'm not getting as short with the other two who just act their ages.

Today I did the dishes for the second time this week.  Before this week, I hadn't done them in 3 weeks!  Luckily for my entire household, my hubby was picking up the dish slack for me and not giving me a hard time about it.  I've even had the kids picking up after themselves the last two days and helped them so Nick hasn't had to do it one evening after work.  I'm beginning to do what I should be doing again and I know in the next few days I'll be ready to start doing extra things again too.  I haven't even exercised since the beginning of last week.  It's not been good...pretty sure my sister-in-law spent part of a day finding a place with a nice comfy padded room for me after she listened to a couple of my rants the beginning of this week.  I'm so lucky to have friends and family who understand my insanity and give me the strength and courage to plow through the dark points.

The spring weather is so wonderful.  I'm loving these days in the 70's and 80's.  They are absolutely perfect for taking the kids outside and playing and taking pictures.  It's also therapeutic for my mood.  I love the sunshine and everything turning green again, flowers blooming, people being friendlier.  This is the time of year God gives us for making it through another long winter...He makes everything new again and it's such a beautiful and amazing process.

It was so much fun taking the kids to go throw rocks in the lake the other day.  They had a blast, got some sun, and I got a few good pictures.  That evening, Lilly took a long nap, the two big kids were playing NICELY in the back yard, the hubby was grilling burgers and I got to RELAX in the hammock.  I forgot what that feels like.  It was nice and I need to do it more often.  Maybe that was the game-changer for me.  I had gotten so wound up from not relaxing ever that I was in a ridiculously depressed state.  I'll have to be sure to take some time for me now and again.  I don't even have a commute to do that anymore so I have to make a conscious decision to do it and that's not the easiest thing for me.  Here's to a little bit of selfishness!!!