Homeless at Home

A few nights ago my neice and nephew were having a sleepover at my house while they are in town for a week and a half.  I was having a blast with them, but was feeling the need to get out of the house and away from kiddos to clear my head as Lilly's surgery was weighing heavily on me being only a couple days out at that point.  I waited until the 3 big kids were settled in and all Daegan needed was some cuddle time and Lilly and I left for walmart.  Even though we had gotten our van back from the shop that day, I took my parents' truck because my plates had expired while it was at the shop and I didn't want to be pulled over at 11:30 at night if I could help it.  Daegan got upset we were leaving him and threw a fit at the front door, but Lilly and I were off.

We grabbed Texas toast at the store because I had decided I wanted to make the kids French toast the next morning and I grabbed the hubby a couple pizzas since we were getting ready to come up to STL for Lilly's final surgery and I knew he would be home by himself for at least a few days.  When we got back home, the porch lights and living room lights were on just like when we had left.  What was different?  The deadbolt was locked and I didn't have my house keys which are attached to my van keys that were sitting on the ledge just inside the door.  Nick wasn't sitting on the couch...great.

I called his phone; no answer.  I rapped lightly on the glass next to the front door; nothing.  I walked around the side of the house to see if our bathroom light was on to be sure he wasn't in the shower; nope.  I walked back around the front and peered through the glass to see if the back door was locked which it was, of course.  I called again and again there was no answer.  I decided to weed my overgrown flower bed while I thought things out.  My van was locked or I could have used my garage door opener and gotten in that way.  No other way in the house, my key to my parents' house was with my house key in my house and they didn't have a spare key outside either.  I guess I could sleep outside on the hammock or the trampoline.  Lilly just needs me for milk and it was warm enough.  I just might get eaten alive by mosquitos.  At least  we had options. 

GIANT SPIDER!!!  And here came the tears.  Enough weeding the flowers, I was getting in the house.  I banged on the door and rang the doorbell.  At least if I woke one of the big kids up, they could wake Nick up to come unlock the door.  Silence.  I called again; no answer.  I was sobbing.  I rang the doorbell 5 times and pounded on the front door hard and long enough, I was sure it was rattling the entire house.  Nick FINALLY came out (he had fallen asleep in Daegan's room cuddling him to sleep) and unlocked the door to let us in.  I lost it and started crying to hard that I could barely breathe.  I had left the house to clear my head, take some deep breaths and find some peace...I did not feel better.

I hated that feeling of helplessness.  And I hated feeling so ridiculous standing outside my own home without a way in feeling homeless.  It gave me a greater empathy for those who feel that way every night - wondering where they are going to sleep and if they will be safe there.  I am so thankful for all the blessings in my life.  Especially that I no longer have such a violent streak so I didn't beat the hubby senseless for deadbolting the front door after we left.

An Overwhelmed State With An Underlying Happy

I FINALLY went off my antidepressant 9 days ago and I feel better than I have in a couple of years.  It's amazing.  The last month to 6 weeks I've been in quite the funk.  So much so that I haven't even gone to church because I know enough  people in a short amount of time would ask how I'm doing that I'd eventually lose it.  I was feeling like I didn't know who I was - that I had somehow lost myself and didn't know how to find me again.  Turns out, I needed to get off my antidepressant and reinvent me.  I am a stay-home mom of 3 now.  That requires a little innovation and definitely some reinvention.  Last night I finally started feeling anxiety over Lilly's impending surgery.  It should all be over in 3 days!!!  I am worried about surgery and also my big kids and the fact that no one really has a plan surrounding what's happening.  It would be lovely if we could have a plan FOR ONCE!  I feel like I should just have to worry about Lilly and am instead worrying about everybody and everything so I spent a good part of last night and most of this morning crying.  Though the crying has been therapeutic.  Until last night I had only cried twice  since Lilly was born.  I feel like I have to be strong for everyone and it had gotten to the point that I was pretty well walking through life numb.  Though I'm anxious and stressed, I'm glad it's finally here and am so ready to close this chapter in our lives.  I tapped out a poem while cuddling Daegan to sleep last night.  Here it is:

Freedom

So overwhelmed I can't seem to stop crying.

I could try to pretend, but there's no denying:

I'm not alright.  I need a hand.

I need someone to understand.

When surrounded by family, I feel so alone.

Why aren't I conforted in the place I call home?

No one understands even though thry try.

I'm left here by myself to sit and cry.

So many emotions, they don't make sense.

So I sit here and I pray and I wish.

Can we please give "normal" a try?

Where I don't feel a need to cry,

Where everyone's happy doesn't depend on me,

And I don't feel trapped; instead I feel free.

Free to be me and be happy doing so,

Free to shed happy tears and laugh as I go,

Free from food and judgement and fear,

Free from anything I don't hold dear,

Free to be one with my Savior, God,

Free to accept my gift from above,

Free to live the life planned just for me,

Free to be who I am meant to be.

I haven't written a poem in SO long, but I don't feel like that's too bad.  I think the last time I wrote a poem was 7 years ago.  Not the greatest, but it helped.  Life is too short to feel trapped.  I'm ready for next week to be over and wave goodbye to the anxiety this chapter of our lives has carried with it.  We have all learned a lot - especially me, and we're better for it, but it's time to move on.  I'm ready to be genuinely happy for the first time in a long time without the help of medication.  I'm sure my hubby and the kiddos are too.  The countdown has begun!

Finding the Cra(funny)zy

When I'm not allowing my kids to make me feel completely crazy, they are hilarious!  They repeat everything and half the time don't repeat correctly which makes it even funnier.  Then there are the times when Maddy starts walking outside the trampoline and to get my attention says, "Oh crap!".  I set a marvelous example!  I especially like when Maddy tries to mommy Daegan and Lilly.  It's funny and irritating at the same time.  It's usually most irritating when Daegan is doing something he's not supposed to and Maddy tries to correct him or dole out some form of punishment.  Anyway, today I was doing a workout video while Lilly took a nap and Maddy and Daegan decided to join me.  It was hilarious watching them try to do jumping jacks, butt kicks, push ups and going to get water bottles to use for weights to do shoulder presses.  I had a hard time concentrating.  Especially when I was doing crunches and Daegan came running and tried to jump on me!!!  I only had to stop a couple times during the half hour workout which disappointed me, but at least I finished.  And, it was a Jillian Michaels video and she always kicks my butt.  I just need to keep it up along with my diet and I hope to be my old self again soon.  Time will tell I suppose.  I just need to hold myself accountable, keep my inner motivation stoked and if I have a setback, look at it as just that and not give up completely.  I'm down 5 lbs from where I was this time last week so instead of looking at my overall goal, I need to focus on the fact that 5 lbs in a single week is actually pretty stellar!  If I keep it up at that pace, I could be where I want to be by Lilly's 1st birthday, no problem!  Worst case, I will at least look and feel better than I do right now and definitely better than a week ago when I weighed in at my all time non-prego heaviest!!!

Putting the SPRING Back in my Step

     Some days I just want to scream!  I do so well mentally, emotionally, watch what I eat and exercise...then I have a cranky day or the kids get a little too wild and I'm back in the pit I started in.  I know so much of it is mind over matter but I just can't seem to get control over it.  I desperately want to but I guess something inside is holding me back.  I love food, but I don't live for it.  I've done without and lost the weight before.  I wish I could just take a step outside of myself and figure out what it is.  I know I get a little overwhelmed when I think about my ultimate weight loss goal, but I also need to think about the smaller, more achievable and immediate goals.  Right now I feel like being a recluse.  I don't even want to go to church on Sundays - it's bad.  At least my kids hold me accountable to getting up in the morning and feeding them so they aren't neglected.  I even manage to play with them a bit every day.  I'm ready to climb out of this black hole!  I am thankful for my friends and family who always support me no matter what I'm going through or what I look like.  If it weren't for them, I wouldn't be able to see the sun shining above me waiting for me to emerge.

Erin Got Her Groove Back

Well, I've been in quite the funk for the past 5 weeks or so.  I bottomed out between last week and the beginning of this week and have finally begun climbing out of it the last couple of days.  It's about time.  I was starting to wonder if I would ever come out on the other side.  I was beginning to understand how some moms become alcoholics.  I was contemplating drinking my problems away though I tried that when I was younger and it never helped.  I've also seen plenty of adults go down a horrible path lined with empty bottles and knew that wouldn't help me.  Plenty of reading and praying later and I've become numb when stretching Lilly's tushy and I'm not getting as short with the other two who just act their ages.

Today I did the dishes for the second time this week.  Before this week, I hadn't done them in 3 weeks!  Luckily for my entire household, my hubby was picking up the dish slack for me and not giving me a hard time about it.  I've even had the kids picking up after themselves the last two days and helped them so Nick hasn't had to do it one evening after work.  I'm beginning to do what I should be doing again and I know in the next few days I'll be ready to start doing extra things again too.  I haven't even exercised since the beginning of last week.  It's not been good...pretty sure my sister-in-law spent part of a day finding a place with a nice comfy padded room for me after she listened to a couple of my rants the beginning of this week.  I'm so lucky to have friends and family who understand my insanity and give me the strength and courage to plow through the dark points.

The spring weather is so wonderful.  I'm loving these days in the 70's and 80's.  They are absolutely perfect for taking the kids outside and playing and taking pictures.  It's also therapeutic for my mood.  I love the sunshine and everything turning green again, flowers blooming, people being friendlier.  This is the time of year God gives us for making it through another long winter...He makes everything new again and it's such a beautiful and amazing process.

It was so much fun taking the kids to go throw rocks in the lake the other day.  They had a blast, got some sun, and I got a few good pictures.  That evening, Lilly took a long nap, the two big kids were playing NICELY in the back yard, the hubby was grilling burgers and I got to RELAX in the hammock.  I forgot what that feels like.  It was nice and I need to do it more often.  Maybe that was the game-changer for me.  I had gotten so wound up from not relaxing ever that I was in a ridiculously depressed state.  I'll have to be sure to take some time for me now and again.  I don't even have a commute to do that anymore so I have to make a conscious decision to do it and that's not the easiest thing for me.  Here's to a little bit of selfishness!!!

Stumbling Through

Last Sunday as I was dilating Lilly's tushy, I started crying with her.  I've been bottling up my emotions since we were in the hospital with her when she was first born.  It has been easier to shove my feelings to the background rather than cope with them or talk about them.  After all, what kind of Supermom would I be if I actually had feelings?  I finally told Nick what a hard time I was having emotionally dealing with everything that has come from having a child with (thankfully) temporary special needs.  On Wednesday Lilly and I went back to STL to visit with her surgeon and see where we were at.  I did NOT get the news I was hoping to hear.  Her scar tissue on the back side of her bum hole wasn't as stretchy as he wanted to see it.  So...now I get to do dilations 3 times per day instead of once and I now use the largest size I was using PLUS the next 2 sizes bigger.  UUUGGGHHH!!!  How I HATE torturing my baby!

I was upset Wednesday but kind of numb still.  Thursday it started sinking in.  I got out of bed when Maddy and Daegan pulled me out around 10 only to move to the couch and lay there until Lilly started crying close to noon.  That was when I finally got up for the day.  I stretched her tushy, fed her, got her back to sleep and finally fed the big kids.  I got Daegan down for his nap and pretty much sat around until he got up, then we went outside and took a nice long 2 mile walk.  I felt like I needed the sunshine to keep what little sanity I had left.  It did do me some good.  Once we made it back home, I loaded the kids up and went to get my fixed flat tire put back on my van, deposit a check and get gas in the van.  When we got home, we grabbed Nick, headed to my parents' and I dropped the fam off so I could go workout.  It was fabulous and made me feel better.

Yesterday I again did not get up until Daegan forced me out of bed and we sat on the couch until Lilly again demanded my attention.  Maddy had spent the night with my parents and was having a G-Dad day, so we didn't have to worry about her.  I sat on the couch feeling sorry for myself for a while and my sis-in-law called and helped me feel a bit better.  We were seriously separated at birth.  We identify with each other so well!  After Daegan woke up from his nap I loaded the kids up and we went to Target.  I needed to return a broken picture frame and I was feeling the need for some retail therapy.  It helped a bit.  Nick called as we were leaving and I finally lost it.  I had been suppressing the tears all day and they finally won. 

I was feeling so overwhelmed.  By everything with Lilly and wondering if me stretching her tushy will have long-term psychological impacts, by our messy house that I couldn't find the motivation to clean, by my older kids being demanding of me when I have no more emotional reserves left, and by my husband not helping me enough - or in any way really.  I was feeling like a married single parent.  It may sound counterintuitive, but it's a real thing.  When you're married, but still doing everything yourself. 

When I got home, Nick took Lilly and her stretching materials and did it for me.  Relief doesn't begin to describe my feelings at that moment.  His contribution to the stretching up to that point had been him holding her legs the very first time I did it 5 weeks ago and saying it was too much for him to handle.  Really?!  I'm the one who has to shove the dilators in there!!  He also asked if I minded if he stayed home while I went to my parents' and he would clean the house and do the dishes for me.  There was the husband I needed!  Probably would have shown up sooner if I hadn't expected him to read my mind!  I came to my parents' house and Mom was asleep.  When she woke up, both Daegan and I were crying.  We ended up having some great conversations and I cried A LOT!!!  I cried again on my way home while on the phone with Nick telling me we are a team and in this together.  I needed that all so much and learned maybe it's not such a good idea to try to be Supermom and not talk about my feelings.  I was borderline suicidal yesterday (thankfully I know my kids need me way too much for that nonsense) and today though I'm still not myself, I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel even if I can't see it yet.  No tunnel goes on forever. 

I talked to my best friend Amber this morning and she made me feel better too.  She gets to the same point I do with marriage.  We both discussed how we need to do a better job communicating our needs instead of waiting until we're so fed up that we explode.  Good thing we're doing "Anger to Intimacy" in our small group and it deals a lot with better communication skills as well as "stuffing" feelings.  It will definitely do both of us some good and already has.  I can't wait for next Tuesday and our next small group.  In the meantime, I will focus on the little joys in my day and find moments of happiness where I can.

Time After Time

I am constantly amazed how quickly time passes. I remember sitting in elementary school staring at the clock thinking how slowly time moved. When I would comment to my mom about it, she would tell me it goes faster as you get older - she was so right (she usually is). On Monday Maddy turned FOUR! Another year and a half and I will be sending her off to kindergarten! It doesn't seem possible. My youngest neice will be ONE tomorrow, Daegan will be TWO in 10 days, my youngest nephew will be ONE in 5 weeks and Lilly was 5 months on Monday. I know where the inspiration for the song Don't Blink came from!

While Lilly and I were in STL for 11 days, I watched A LOT of Cake Boss. So I decided to try my hand at fondant icing on Maddy's birthday cake. I expected it to be much harder than it was. It turned out great! I'm going to do it again for Daegan's cake to make sure my success wasn't just beginner's luck. For Maddy I baked a heart-shaped red velvet cake, frosted with buttercream and covered with lavender fondant with pink cookie cutter shapes on top (a couple hearts, an X and an O). For Daegan I think I'll do a baseball. Probably chocolate with buttercream and white fondant. I'm still so proud of myself! For their party this weekend I'm going to do a giant red velvet cupcake and a bunch of little cupcakes. I'm so excited! Can't wait to see everybody! I'm getting hungry with all this cake talk! The baking begins again tomorrow! Giant cupcake, here I come!