My parents came to rescue Maddy and Daegan from the hospital today. The kids were fed up. Mom and Dave were very excited to see and get to cuddle Lilly. While they were here, I realized Nick had spent almost half of his vacation time for the year already and we still have one more surgery and 11 months left in this year. He took my suggestion (I don't think I demanded) and went home with my parents. He will go to work while Lilly and I play the waiting game up here in St. Louis. I am relieved to have some uninterrupted "me" time and time just Lilly and I. I never get time to myself so this is a treat! I'm not certain what I'm going to do with myself. I'm sure I will figure it out though.
I've been feeling quite melancholy lately. I can't put my finger on it. Eating didn't help but it really never does. Losing a little weight on Atkins rejeuvenated me but didn't take the sad away. Exercising this week has helped. I have put in nearly 14 1/2 miles on the elliptical this week in the last 4 days. I have decided the elliptical is definitely for me. My 5 miles last night was perfect - a little under an hour, pushed it without overdoing it, and was spent without feeling dead. I slept great as a result. Even with Lilly having a roommate with obnoxious parents overnight. So glad they're gone today - as much fun as it was listening to him snore and her having the tv on ALL night. Geez! Hopefully continuing to lose weight will help with my melancholy feelings. I guess we'll find out!
I hope this quiet time does me some good. I need my batteries recharged. I should get some good rest and some good time for self-reflection. I just wish the hospital had workout facilities for parents. I do some pretty good thinking while I'm exercising, plus I have the time and am on a role. Maybe I'll jaunt over to the hotel this evening and see if the room key still works to get me in to the workout facility over there even though we checked out today. Wouldn't that be nice?!
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Let's get to the bottom of this
Literally! Lilly had surgery on her bum yesterday. Everything went smoothly and she now has a bum hole! Of course we won't put it to work for a couple more months, but we now have two surgeries down and only one more to go! She is doing so well - what a trooper! She hasn't had any morphine since right after surgery yesterday and only Tylenol here and there. When I got to her this morning, she was awake and relatively happy, all things considered. It was nice to see her beautiful eyes. We have even gotten a few smiles out of her! I missed seeing those dimples. Hopefully we will be home this time next week and she will be all cooing and smiles again. Happy healing!
I was a wreck the day before the surgery. It's a good thing I hadn't gone grocery shopping recently so there was no food in the house or I would have spent the day nervous-eating. I did do the appropriate thing last night instead of eating to try to help my stress, I went and exercised. I did 2.65 miles on the elliptical in 35 minutes. Not too shabby. Then I did some leg presses, leg extensions, some free weights, then 350 crunches. It did the trick and I felt a sense of accomplishment which was nice. I'm thinking I'll go workout again tonight before coming back to Lilly's room where I will spend the night now since she can breastfeed ad lib again. Maybe soon they will move this spare bed out of Lilly's room so we will have some more room to spread out. We get a little crowded with 5 of us in here. Kind of looking forward to my time later tonight with just Lilly and I.
I was a wreck the day before the surgery. It's a good thing I hadn't gone grocery shopping recently so there was no food in the house or I would have spent the day nervous-eating. I did do the appropriate thing last night instead of eating to try to help my stress, I went and exercised. I did 2.65 miles on the elliptical in 35 minutes. Not too shabby. Then I did some leg presses, leg extensions, some free weights, then 350 crunches. It did the trick and I felt a sense of accomplishment which was nice. I'm thinking I'll go workout again tonight before coming back to Lilly's room where I will spend the night now since she can breastfeed ad lib again. Maybe soon they will move this spare bed out of Lilly's room so we will have some more room to spread out. We get a little crowded with 5 of us in here. Kind of looking forward to my time later tonight with just Lilly and I.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Weighty Issues
Another pound down today has me excited! I've now lost just over 6 pounds since my Saturday morning weigh in. And yes, I know it's best to only weigh once a week, but I can't seem to help it. I've always been horrible about it. I guess I just need a reason to start the morning by beating myself up. At least each morning this week has brought good news. I still struggle with looking at the weight loss in increments as opposed to the big picture. At first, I'm excited I'm down 6 pounds. Then, I think, I still have 45-55 I want to lose. At that point, I'm a little disheartened. But if I keep losing at this rate, I will be at my goal weight in less than 2 months which would be fabulous! Another 15 pounds and I will be rewarding myself with a super cute Mizzou shirt I found at Walmart for $13. I wanted to buy it the other day, but it's not a neccessity and then I realized it would be something nice to visualize for a weight loss milestone. An additional motivator as if not being fat isn't motivation enough. I'll be so excited when I can look in the mirror or at a picture of myself (recently taken) and not be disgusted. I know they're harsh words, but seriously! I was already overweight going into my last pregnancy and really let myself go. I gained more weight this last pregnancy that any of my others. Hopefully that means once I've accomplished my goals, I can look at how far I will have come and never put myself in such a position again. I feel like I'm at the bottom of Mount Everest looking up.
Hopefully a better self image will also lessen my feelings of depression. Some days I would like nothing more than to lay in bed in and out of sleep all day. It's a good thing I have 2 older kids who make me get out of bed. If it were just Lilly and I, I really would stay in bed all day sometimes. I guess we'll find out. At least I'm not as irritable anymore as I was while pregnant and only on half the dosage of my anti-depressant I'm on now. Sad is better than sad AND irritable.
Well, now that I've brought down anyone reading this to where I am, I think I'll end on that note. Things ARE getting better...a day at a time. Funny, I think that's an alcoholic's mantra...a day at a time. I guess I was addicted to food - more specifically carbs and sugars. No more! I have the power!
Hopefully a better self image will also lessen my feelings of depression. Some days I would like nothing more than to lay in bed in and out of sleep all day. It's a good thing I have 2 older kids who make me get out of bed. If it were just Lilly and I, I really would stay in bed all day sometimes. I guess we'll find out. At least I'm not as irritable anymore as I was while pregnant and only on half the dosage of my anti-depressant I'm on now. Sad is better than sad AND irritable.
Well, now that I've brought down anyone reading this to where I am, I think I'll end on that note. Things ARE getting better...a day at a time. Funny, I think that's an alcoholic's mantra...a day at a time. I guess I was addicted to food - more specifically carbs and sugars. No more! I have the power!
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!
Yesterday was an interesting day. After helping out at Gymboree on Black Friday, I decided to stay on and help out when they have new lines once a month. Last night was my first new line experience since leaving the company a year and a half ago. Of course it had snowed the night before and most area schools were out. It stopped snowing for a while during the day yesterday and started again a couple of hours before I needed to leave the house. I left in Hubby's 4 wheel drive vehicle, took it slow, and made it no problem leaving it in 2 wheel drive the whole way. New line went great! I had a blast just getting out, socializing with some of the gals I used to work with and just being able to work and not answer any questions. I worked in the Newborn department at the back of the store so I had no concept of the weather then entire time. We finished and I was leaving the store at 10:15pm. It had been snowing the whole time.
My mom text messaged me right as I was getting bag-checked to leave so I called her while I walked out to the truck. I talked to her while I scraped the small layer of ice and the snow on top of that off the windshield. Someone she knew had been in a car accident and she wanted me to be very careful. I was planning on it. I went all the way up the hill out of the mall to the main road through town. Not 100 yards down the road, I started sliding and going sideways. YIKES! I corrected and went ahead and put it in 4 high. Best to be safe than sorry and I didn't foresee myself going any faster than 25-30mph anyway. I made it 2 miles away from my house with no problems.
At that point, a pick-up was sitting at the bottom of a large hill and a guy on a 4-wheeler was sitting next to it. He started flashing his light at me so I began to slow down and slid to a stop to find out what was up. He told me the giant curving downhill portion of the road that followed the hill I was getting ready to ascend was blocked off because of a couple accidents and it was a sheet of ice. He said he could give me a ride home if I needed it. While all of that was very nice of him, I just wasn't sure how I felt about some strange guy giving me a ride home especially when Hubby was going to need his truck to get to work in the morning. The nice 4-wheeler guy said he would go up and talk to the firefighter that was up by the accident to see what the current conditions were like and he would come back and let me know.
I went ahead and ascended the hill and got to the last spot you can stop before the point of no return on the giant curving downhill part. I called Hubby and asked what I should do. There were already two pickups parked where I pulled over and I didn't really feel like our truck would safely fit parked there without blocking people or potentially getting hit by someone coming down the road later. What to do, what to do. There was a road right across from where I was parked that bypasses the giant curving downhill part but parts of it were steeper and curvier, though it was also a rougher road which could help with traction. Plus, not having been driven, it wouldn't have the packed down iciness the main road had. Feasible? I had driven it once in my old car and felt like I was off-roading and the road would swallow my car at any moment. I knew it wouldn't swallow the truck, but still. At this point, it was that or leave the truck somewhere semi-precarious, walk home and make Hubby walk to it in the morning. No sign of the 4-wheeler guy and the clock was ticking. Let's do it!
I got turned around and started up that hill. Made it to the top. Now there's a pretty good little hill with a turn at the bottom. Sliding, sliding, holding my breath...and made it! Now down another more gradual hill; at least it's straight. Here comes the bottom and the road turns 90 degrees...sliding, sliding, sliding, sliding, stop. Now I'm too close to the road sign and edge of the road to get turned. Reverse, forward, reverse, forward, slide, reverse, forward, slide. After an I don't know how many point turn, I had done it. I switched to 4 low, put it in 1st and crawled down this relatively steep hill. Nearly 90 turn at the bottom, no problem. Here comes another steep hill but now I'm on gravel and the road is horrible rutted from heavy rain. Thank you for some traction! Made it to the bottom of that part no problem, had a couple more flat corners to take and what's that? A stop sign! Civilization! And it's the stop sign to the road that leads to my turn about 100 yards down! I can almost smell my kids! (Maybe they need baths ;) )
I got turned off the main road onto the side road and saw 5 sets of footprints from people who had walked home. I was so glad I was more fortunate than these folks in that I hadn't had to walk and had made it safely through the worst part of our road home. About halfway down that road I saw a guy walking. I felt bad for him so I stopped and offerred him a ride. Normally I wouldn't have even considered offerring someone walking down the road a ride, but I figured I was pretty safe in assuming his vehicle was stranded somewhere and he was just trying to make it home. He accepted and lived about 1/4 past my house so I went ahead and dropped him off at his house and then came back to ours. I did a good deed for someone and didn't get hurt or ripped off because of it! Yea!
I got up our steep driveway and got parked without sliding backward like we had the night before. I turned on the interior lights to locate my bags I had thrown in the back when I picked the guy up. I got my stuff and came running in the house to see my family. D-man was so excited! He kept saying Mama. It was adorable. It took me an hour and 25 minutes to make a drive that earlier in the evening had taken me just under 40 minutes. Apparently I was so excited to be home, I forgot to turn off the interior lights so Hubby's truck was dead this morning. Nice. And he had slept in and was already late for work. What a start to his day! Oops! At least he understood. One of our neighbors gave him a jump and he was off.
Oh, last night ranks right up there with one of two of the worst driving experiences I have ever had in the snow. Though the other one was mostly ice so I don't know if that counts. Come to think of it, the other one was trying to make it home from Gymboree as well. Hmmmm. Well, I'm just happy to be alive today and still have our truck on the road and in tact. It's a good day!
My mom text messaged me right as I was getting bag-checked to leave so I called her while I walked out to the truck. I talked to her while I scraped the small layer of ice and the snow on top of that off the windshield. Someone she knew had been in a car accident and she wanted me to be very careful. I was planning on it. I went all the way up the hill out of the mall to the main road through town. Not 100 yards down the road, I started sliding and going sideways. YIKES! I corrected and went ahead and put it in 4 high. Best to be safe than sorry and I didn't foresee myself going any faster than 25-30mph anyway. I made it 2 miles away from my house with no problems.
At that point, a pick-up was sitting at the bottom of a large hill and a guy on a 4-wheeler was sitting next to it. He started flashing his light at me so I began to slow down and slid to a stop to find out what was up. He told me the giant curving downhill portion of the road that followed the hill I was getting ready to ascend was blocked off because of a couple accidents and it was a sheet of ice. He said he could give me a ride home if I needed it. While all of that was very nice of him, I just wasn't sure how I felt about some strange guy giving me a ride home especially when Hubby was going to need his truck to get to work in the morning. The nice 4-wheeler guy said he would go up and talk to the firefighter that was up by the accident to see what the current conditions were like and he would come back and let me know.
I went ahead and ascended the hill and got to the last spot you can stop before the point of no return on the giant curving downhill part. I called Hubby and asked what I should do. There were already two pickups parked where I pulled over and I didn't really feel like our truck would safely fit parked there without blocking people or potentially getting hit by someone coming down the road later. What to do, what to do. There was a road right across from where I was parked that bypasses the giant curving downhill part but parts of it were steeper and curvier, though it was also a rougher road which could help with traction. Plus, not having been driven, it wouldn't have the packed down iciness the main road had. Feasible? I had driven it once in my old car and felt like I was off-roading and the road would swallow my car at any moment. I knew it wouldn't swallow the truck, but still. At this point, it was that or leave the truck somewhere semi-precarious, walk home and make Hubby walk to it in the morning. No sign of the 4-wheeler guy and the clock was ticking. Let's do it!
I got turned around and started up that hill. Made it to the top. Now there's a pretty good little hill with a turn at the bottom. Sliding, sliding, holding my breath...and made it! Now down another more gradual hill; at least it's straight. Here comes the bottom and the road turns 90 degrees...sliding, sliding, sliding, sliding, stop. Now I'm too close to the road sign and edge of the road to get turned. Reverse, forward, reverse, forward, slide, reverse, forward, slide. After an I don't know how many point turn, I had done it. I switched to 4 low, put it in 1st and crawled down this relatively steep hill. Nearly 90 turn at the bottom, no problem. Here comes another steep hill but now I'm on gravel and the road is horrible rutted from heavy rain. Thank you for some traction! Made it to the bottom of that part no problem, had a couple more flat corners to take and what's that? A stop sign! Civilization! And it's the stop sign to the road that leads to my turn about 100 yards down! I can almost smell my kids! (Maybe they need baths ;) )
I got turned off the main road onto the side road and saw 5 sets of footprints from people who had walked home. I was so glad I was more fortunate than these folks in that I hadn't had to walk and had made it safely through the worst part of our road home. About halfway down that road I saw a guy walking. I felt bad for him so I stopped and offerred him a ride. Normally I wouldn't have even considered offerring someone walking down the road a ride, but I figured I was pretty safe in assuming his vehicle was stranded somewhere and he was just trying to make it home. He accepted and lived about 1/4 past my house so I went ahead and dropped him off at his house and then came back to ours. I did a good deed for someone and didn't get hurt or ripped off because of it! Yea!
I got up our steep driveway and got parked without sliding backward like we had the night before. I turned on the interior lights to locate my bags I had thrown in the back when I picked the guy up. I got my stuff and came running in the house to see my family. D-man was so excited! He kept saying Mama. It was adorable. It took me an hour and 25 minutes to make a drive that earlier in the evening had taken me just under 40 minutes. Apparently I was so excited to be home, I forgot to turn off the interior lights so Hubby's truck was dead this morning. Nice. And he had slept in and was already late for work. What a start to his day! Oops! At least he understood. One of our neighbors gave him a jump and he was off.
Oh, last night ranks right up there with one of two of the worst driving experiences I have ever had in the snow. Though the other one was mostly ice so I don't know if that counts. Come to think of it, the other one was trying to make it home from Gymboree as well. Hmmmm. Well, I'm just happy to be alive today and still have our truck on the road and in tact. It's a good day!
Monday, January 10, 2011
Fast and Furious
Well, we made it through the holidays. I got to see my sister and nephew one last time before they returned to the frozen tundra she calls Iowa and it was so hard to say goodbye. It was so nice getting to see them every weekend. I got to watch my nephew grow up for 3 months and I loved it. I am glad for their family they got to go home to Iowa. I know her hubby missed her and my nephew-man a lot. I just wish it were easier for me to get up there to see them more often. It's so hard not knowing when I will see them again. When we were younger, I never would have believed my sister and I would be so close as adults. Mom was right again...she always told us we would be best friends when we grew up.
Christmas was exciting. We all passed around the stomach flu! D-man got it first, then Maddy, then Hubby, then we had a healthy Christmas day, then I, my brother, my cousins, my grandparents and aunt and uncle all ended up with it. Not fun. It did help me lose 5 pounds though! I got so excited over the weight loss, I figured I would keep it up and start on the Atkins diet with my mom. She has officially lost 30 pounds in a month and a half. I'm a believer. I've lost 6 pounds since I started a week ago. I REALLY started 2 days ago. Up until then, I cheated a little each day. So I guess I've lost 4 pounds since I started. Which, 4 pounds in 2 days is awesome. I need it. It's just hard looking at the big picture knowing I still want to lose another 55 pounds. At the very least, another 45 but 55 would be ideal. I still can't believe I let myself go like this. I really let depression win. And now, I'm depressed because I'm fat. Nice how that works. Too bad I don't feel a compulsion to clean or exercise when I'm depressed.
We rang in another new year and I've decided this will be a year of new beginnings for me. I'm on a diet I said I would never go on so I can look as fabulous as I want to and know I can. I've renewed my faith in Christ in the last year and it was so nice coming in to a new year with that faith. I am LOVING my current "job" as a stay-at-home mom. So, first year I've started off LOVING my job. This year will be fabulous!
We spent my birthday in STL for Lilly's doctor appointments. I was debating until the day before whether I wanted to spend my birthday with our whole family together or leaving the two bigger kids and having a peaceful trip. I opted to have the family together and ended up kind of wishing we had left them. We do our Dr. appts right in the middle of the day so we can go up and back on the same day and it's hard on the kids. At least they usually sleep most of the way home. Another year older and again, I don't feel any different. I wonder if you ever start feeling different ON your birthday. For me, it's my experiences that make me grow older, wiser, more mature; not birthdays.
I LOVE my church! Yesterday we had a PG-13 service and talked about....shhhhh (sex)! It waas a great service. We laughed and came away feeling like we had more tools to strengthen our marriage. After service we went to a class and became official members of the church. It feels nice to officially belong! We started serving in the preschool rooms last month and it feels wonderful to be able to help out. Then last night there was a couples' dinner at church that Hubby and I went to and left all 3 kids with my parents. It was such a quiet car ride! It was a fantastic evening! It was great to sit around with other couples and discuss our relationships and have it all be about communication. I know that's our biggest opportunity. I bottle things up, develop resentment and when a disagreement does arise, I try to cut it off with "whatever" or "fine" or holding my hands up or walking away. I do not deal well with confrontation. I need to work on that. Maybe I can become better at that this year too. I will certainly try.
Christmas was exciting. We all passed around the stomach flu! D-man got it first, then Maddy, then Hubby, then we had a healthy Christmas day, then I, my brother, my cousins, my grandparents and aunt and uncle all ended up with it. Not fun. It did help me lose 5 pounds though! I got so excited over the weight loss, I figured I would keep it up and start on the Atkins diet with my mom. She has officially lost 30 pounds in a month and a half. I'm a believer. I've lost 6 pounds since I started a week ago. I REALLY started 2 days ago. Up until then, I cheated a little each day. So I guess I've lost 4 pounds since I started. Which, 4 pounds in 2 days is awesome. I need it. It's just hard looking at the big picture knowing I still want to lose another 55 pounds. At the very least, another 45 but 55 would be ideal. I still can't believe I let myself go like this. I really let depression win. And now, I'm depressed because I'm fat. Nice how that works. Too bad I don't feel a compulsion to clean or exercise when I'm depressed.
We rang in another new year and I've decided this will be a year of new beginnings for me. I'm on a diet I said I would never go on so I can look as fabulous as I want to and know I can. I've renewed my faith in Christ in the last year and it was so nice coming in to a new year with that faith. I am LOVING my current "job" as a stay-at-home mom. So, first year I've started off LOVING my job. This year will be fabulous!
We spent my birthday in STL for Lilly's doctor appointments. I was debating until the day before whether I wanted to spend my birthday with our whole family together or leaving the two bigger kids and having a peaceful trip. I opted to have the family together and ended up kind of wishing we had left them. We do our Dr. appts right in the middle of the day so we can go up and back on the same day and it's hard on the kids. At least they usually sleep most of the way home. Another year older and again, I don't feel any different. I wonder if you ever start feeling different ON your birthday. For me, it's my experiences that make me grow older, wiser, more mature; not birthdays.
I LOVE my church! Yesterday we had a PG-13 service and talked about....shhhhh (sex)! It waas a great service. We laughed and came away feeling like we had more tools to strengthen our marriage. After service we went to a class and became official members of the church. It feels nice to officially belong! We started serving in the preschool rooms last month and it feels wonderful to be able to help out. Then last night there was a couples' dinner at church that Hubby and I went to and left all 3 kids with my parents. It was such a quiet car ride! It was a fantastic evening! It was great to sit around with other couples and discuss our relationships and have it all be about communication. I know that's our biggest opportunity. I bottle things up, develop resentment and when a disagreement does arise, I try to cut it off with "whatever" or "fine" or holding my hands up or walking away. I do not deal well with confrontation. I need to work on that. Maybe I can become better at that this year too. I will certainly try.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
All is calm, all is bright
My hope was to start weaning D-man of his binky after we got Lilly home and settled. It's been 3 months now and we've made little progress. At least we did wean him off the bottle which I hadn't already done. I deserve a slap for that one! I was even still giving him milk in it at bedtime. Yes, I know better but it was easy. I was not going to go the route of the soft-top sippy cup as we didn't get Maddy's away from her until she was nearly 3. We both about went crazy fighting over that. We switched D-man to hard top sippys and finally broke from milk in them to water in them about a month ago. Most days at nap time, all I lay him down with is a binky and I think he uses the cup more for cuddling at night as it's usually still nearly full in the mornings. We have a better drink situation at bedtime, now it's too bad he's learned how to break out of jail. If he's not ready to sleep, he climbs out of his crib lightning fast. He did it once right before Lilly was born and I wasn't sure if it scared him or liberated him. I think it scared him but only a little. It wasn't long after bringing her home that he did it again. Now, it's a daily occurrence. I suppose it's time to switch it out to his toddler bed which will be easier to get out of, but I'm already having to put him back to bed multiple times each evening anyway. Might as well switch it before he has a clumsy day and hurts himself I suppose.
Maddy is really good MOST of the time. When she's having a mood though...oh man. She quit taking regular naps a while before Lilly arrived. I could occasionally get her to fall asleep on the couch watching a movie mid-afternoon or if we were in the car. So irritating. I can get so much more done without kids hanging all over me. I suppose the housework will still be there - I certainly don't see it getting done itself. I get so frustrated when Maddy has a fit these days. After all, she is nearly four and communicates well. If she is frustrated, I expect her to be able to talk about it and if I ask her to do something and explain why, I expect her to comply and understand. I'm not sure why I feel she should have the capacity to do this by age 4 since most adults, including myself, aren't able to do this. I don't think I'm hardly ever able to convey my frustration to my husband, my mom, you name it. The kids are about the only ones I can nearly effectively communicate with. Why is this?
Fear of judgment? Fear of a fight? Fear of a withdrawal of love? I think mostly for me it's fear of starting a fight I know I will take too far. Often if I try to bring something up, especially with Hubby, it's turned back around on me. I don't deal well with this for two reasons. First, I have a real issue with people not taking accountability for their actions. Is it so hard to say I was wrong and I'm sorry? I learned how to do that at 23 years old. The second reason is that I grew up watching this happen to my mom. I get really defensive when I'm put into situations like these instead of taking a deep breath and remaining objective. At least I'm aware it's an opportunity so I can continue to be aware of it and work on it I suppose.
As we approach Christmas I'm trying to take more time than usual to think about everything I have to be thankful for. I try to do this on a regular basis, but I need to be more regular about it. I went to a fantastic women's group through church 10 days ago and we had a wonderful speaker who spoke about staying sane through the holidays and outlined why it's such a chaotic time and why we feel more stressed this time of year when we should all be filled with joy and thankfulness. We get so caught up in everything that is the end of the year and Christmas together. Not the birth of our Savior of course, but the shopping for everyone and the financial piece that goes with that. Paying of personal property taxes, beginning to get everything together for your taxes, possible end-of-year projects at work, making final contributions and donations by the end of the year. The list goes on and on. She is so right. I often get so worked up over the "joy" of gift-giving because I'm trying to stay within a budget and get just the right thing for everyone. Plus, now that we have kids, fitting in all of the holiday "musts". Silver Dollar City and the Polar Express on the Branson Scenic Railway. This year has been easier since I'm not trying to juggle the crazy holiday schedule with a work schedule. I'm very thankful for that. I may have needed a padded room by now if I were still having to do that and juggle three kids now and Lilly's trips to STL.
We are less than 3 weeks away from our next trip to STL where we will do soome labwork for Lilly and schedule surgery number 2. I think that's the one I'm most nervous about. I hadn't thought about it until our last visit with the surgeon two weeks ago. At that visit, he detailed what will be happening in the next procedure. Her condition is called imperforate anus. With the reconstruction, they will lay her on her stomach, cut from the top of her tushy crack all the way down and dissect down to where they will begin. They will make sure she has a rectum and see about a sphincter muscle. If she doesn't have a sphincter muscle, they will have to create one for her. Hopefully she does and they will just have to move it to where they will create her new anal opening. Somewhere in the midst of this, they will repair her fistula that was allowing her to excrete stool before she was given her colostomy. Then they will stitch her all up and we will wait for her to heal. It makes me hurt just thinking about it. I know how sore I was down south after giving birth and I can't imagine the pain she will be feeling after a procedure like that. Hopefully they will give her some good pain medication. I know they do plenty of this as we found out this birth defect is relatively common - 1 in 5000 to 10000 births. It's still hard to stomach for this mommy. I just need to stay calm, positive and focus on all the reasons I have to be thankful. It could be so much worse. At least my child was born with a problem that is fixable. So many parents get delivered news of a less-than-perfect child and their condition is not fixable with a few surgeries. I keep these families in my prayers.
Maddy is really good MOST of the time. When she's having a mood though...oh man. She quit taking regular naps a while before Lilly arrived. I could occasionally get her to fall asleep on the couch watching a movie mid-afternoon or if we were in the car. So irritating. I can get so much more done without kids hanging all over me. I suppose the housework will still be there - I certainly don't see it getting done itself. I get so frustrated when Maddy has a fit these days. After all, she is nearly four and communicates well. If she is frustrated, I expect her to be able to talk about it and if I ask her to do something and explain why, I expect her to comply and understand. I'm not sure why I feel she should have the capacity to do this by age 4 since most adults, including myself, aren't able to do this. I don't think I'm hardly ever able to convey my frustration to my husband, my mom, you name it. The kids are about the only ones I can nearly effectively communicate with. Why is this?
Fear of judgment? Fear of a fight? Fear of a withdrawal of love? I think mostly for me it's fear of starting a fight I know I will take too far. Often if I try to bring something up, especially with Hubby, it's turned back around on me. I don't deal well with this for two reasons. First, I have a real issue with people not taking accountability for their actions. Is it so hard to say I was wrong and I'm sorry? I learned how to do that at 23 years old. The second reason is that I grew up watching this happen to my mom. I get really defensive when I'm put into situations like these instead of taking a deep breath and remaining objective. At least I'm aware it's an opportunity so I can continue to be aware of it and work on it I suppose.
As we approach Christmas I'm trying to take more time than usual to think about everything I have to be thankful for. I try to do this on a regular basis, but I need to be more regular about it. I went to a fantastic women's group through church 10 days ago and we had a wonderful speaker who spoke about staying sane through the holidays and outlined why it's such a chaotic time and why we feel more stressed this time of year when we should all be filled with joy and thankfulness. We get so caught up in everything that is the end of the year and Christmas together. Not the birth of our Savior of course, but the shopping for everyone and the financial piece that goes with that. Paying of personal property taxes, beginning to get everything together for your taxes, possible end-of-year projects at work, making final contributions and donations by the end of the year. The list goes on and on. She is so right. I often get so worked up over the "joy" of gift-giving because I'm trying to stay within a budget and get just the right thing for everyone. Plus, now that we have kids, fitting in all of the holiday "musts". Silver Dollar City and the Polar Express on the Branson Scenic Railway. This year has been easier since I'm not trying to juggle the crazy holiday schedule with a work schedule. I'm very thankful for that. I may have needed a padded room by now if I were still having to do that and juggle three kids now and Lilly's trips to STL.
We are less than 3 weeks away from our next trip to STL where we will do soome labwork for Lilly and schedule surgery number 2. I think that's the one I'm most nervous about. I hadn't thought about it until our last visit with the surgeon two weeks ago. At that visit, he detailed what will be happening in the next procedure. Her condition is called imperforate anus. With the reconstruction, they will lay her on her stomach, cut from the top of her tushy crack all the way down and dissect down to where they will begin. They will make sure she has a rectum and see about a sphincter muscle. If she doesn't have a sphincter muscle, they will have to create one for her. Hopefully she does and they will just have to move it to where they will create her new anal opening. Somewhere in the midst of this, they will repair her fistula that was allowing her to excrete stool before she was given her colostomy. Then they will stitch her all up and we will wait for her to heal. It makes me hurt just thinking about it. I know how sore I was down south after giving birth and I can't imagine the pain she will be feeling after a procedure like that. Hopefully they will give her some good pain medication. I know they do plenty of this as we found out this birth defect is relatively common - 1 in 5000 to 10000 births. It's still hard to stomach for this mommy. I just need to stay calm, positive and focus on all the reasons I have to be thankful. It could be so much worse. At least my child was born with a problem that is fixable. So many parents get delivered news of a less-than-perfect child and their condition is not fixable with a few surgeries. I keep these families in my prayers.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Roller Coaster of Emotion
Hubby drove to STL in the lead with my parents directly behind and mom-in-law behind them. There were a couple moments where I wasn't certain we were going to live to see STL or Lilly again. You see, Hubby is a tech junkie though he would and does argue. When he worked from home I felt like I was competing with his laptop for attention and now that he has an Iphone, the kids and I compete with it for attention though he's always been bad about his phone. Before they got really fancy and before there was Facebook, he was talking on it ALL THE TIME. Anyway, this particular evening the road was competing with his phone for attention. Finally at the halfway mark when we stopped for a restroom break, he had also scared my parents badly enough that I took his phone away.
About an hour outside of STL I got a phone call from the resident doctor, Dr. G. She let me know that Lilly had arrived, she was all tucked in and they had run a few preliminary tests that showed a heart murmur and an enlarged heart. She said to be safe and they would see us soon. Just as I was finally feeling relief that we were getting close, I was shattered. Not only was my baby going to need surgery for a bum hole, she had a hole in her heart and possibly a too big heart? That couldn't be good. So what, open heart surgery too? My mind raced with all the terrible possibilities. When Hubby had asked the flight team what we could be looking at, they did say heart problems often accompanied her particular birth defect. Also, spinal problems, brain problems, kidney problems, and hip problems. Oh for the love! Okay, don't panic. Let's just get there. I knew I would feel better when I saw her. Or so I thought.
We arrived in STL sometime around 2am. We found parking, got visitor badges and proceeded to the NICU. We could only go in 2 at a time so Hubby and I went in. We were directed to her "suite" (nice). When we walked in, she was lying on a newborn bed with a warmer with all kinds tubes and wires. I lost it. I was so relieved to be here with my baby, yet so upset because this was not how I had imagined our first night in the hospital. And I was hurting for her. The nurse came in behind us and hugged me though I don't think she understood that a great part of my crying was relief to be there with my baby and not just sadness and shock. We headed to a sleeping room they had saved for us to get about 3 hours of sleep and our parents took the kids to their hotel rooms at the hotel that adjoins the hospital.
Sore doesn't begin to describe my body the next morning. Having pushed out a nearly 9 pound baby and then hitting the road shortly thereafter and trekking across this hospital. Ouch. I took a long hot shower and it was amazing. We went to Lilly's room to see her and hang out for rounds. Upon entering the room I saw my baby laying there, with two new tubes in her and there was blood around her tummy from one of the tubes. I lost it again. I expected to find her just like I had left her only a few short hours ago and instead, they had made my baby bleed! I know medicine and I knew there was an excellent reason but I couldn't help it. The nurse walked in and hugged me. It was a different nurse from the previous night and she said the other nurse had said I was emotional. Excuse me?! No I'm not. I understand why my baby's here and I'm fine with it. I'm just glad I'm able to be here with her. I was indignant. A few days later, when I was less on the edge of my emotional cliff I made my peace with having been "emotional" those first couple of days. I mean, hello! Of course you're going to be emotional anyway when you've just given birth not to mention if something goes wrong. Rounds were pretty uneventful and the nurse made me go eat. She ended up being my favorite nurse out of all the ones we had. Probably because she made sure I was taking care of me knowing full well I wasn't worried about taking care of myself.
The following day at 2 days old, Lilly had her first surgery. We found out she was going to probably need 3. This was not as simple as we had initially been led to believe. This first surgery was a colostomy. She would be on a colostomy bag for a few months, the second surgery would be the bum hole reconstruction and the third and final surgery would hook everything back up after she had a chance to heal from surgery number two. This was the day I had my anti-depressant dosage doubled. Things were much easier to deal with after that.
The surgery went well and our entire entourage got to accompany Lilly back down to her room. This was the first time D-man had gotten to see Lilly since she left for her plane ride from our hospital of origin since kids under 2 weren't allowed in the NICU. Of course, he didn't care but it made me feel good. Now that Lilly was through her surgery and would be released once she was producing stool and eating sufficiently, I could relax and attempt to be Mommy to my other two kids again. The next day my brother and sister came to STL to meet Lilly. The plan had been for them to come home to see her since we should have been home but oh well. It was so great to see them. The following day Hubby turned 30. What a way to spend any birthday much less a milestone one! We went to the zoo. I ate ibuprofen like it was candy and kept up. I finally got to start breastfeeding Lilly the next day and she was a pro instantly. It wouldn't be long!
Two days later, when she was one week old, we got to bring Lilly home. Her heart murmur had disappeared, turns out her heart wasn't enlarged, all her untrasounds of vital organs looked "unremarkable". We got the best case scenario. Prayers were answered! I was excited and scared all at the same time. I was finally going to be able to relax with my baby with no wires, no monitors, no nurses watching. This was exhilerating and terrifying all at the same time. What if her bag leaked and no one was home with me? It had taken 3 of us to change it at the hospital! Would she be like a "normal" newborn aside from the colostomy?
Turns out all of my worrying was for naught. It was only a couple of days after Hubby returned to work that I had to change her bag by myself for the first time and it wasn't horrible. It wasn't the easiest thing ever, but I accomplished it. I was so proud of myself! She was a ravenous eater and a fabulous sleeper. Could I really have gotten this lucky? Maddy was a decent sleeper - once she moved into our bed. We only had a few weeks of nonstop crying. D-man was a great sleeper - once he moved into our bed and only had a few nights of nonstop crying. I thought surely this was going to be my colicky baby. Nope. As long as I could keep her binky in her mouth long enough for her to fall into a good sleep, she was out and in her own bed. Had I actually done it? Finally gotten it right with baby number 3! There really was no secret to getting your baby to stay sleeping in it's own bed other than patience and not being lazy?! Wow.
About an hour outside of STL I got a phone call from the resident doctor, Dr. G. She let me know that Lilly had arrived, she was all tucked in and they had run a few preliminary tests that showed a heart murmur and an enlarged heart. She said to be safe and they would see us soon. Just as I was finally feeling relief that we were getting close, I was shattered. Not only was my baby going to need surgery for a bum hole, she had a hole in her heart and possibly a too big heart? That couldn't be good. So what, open heart surgery too? My mind raced with all the terrible possibilities. When Hubby had asked the flight team what we could be looking at, they did say heart problems often accompanied her particular birth defect. Also, spinal problems, brain problems, kidney problems, and hip problems. Oh for the love! Okay, don't panic. Let's just get there. I knew I would feel better when I saw her. Or so I thought.
We arrived in STL sometime around 2am. We found parking, got visitor badges and proceeded to the NICU. We could only go in 2 at a time so Hubby and I went in. We were directed to her "suite" (nice). When we walked in, she was lying on a newborn bed with a warmer with all kinds tubes and wires. I lost it. I was so relieved to be here with my baby, yet so upset because this was not how I had imagined our first night in the hospital. And I was hurting for her. The nurse came in behind us and hugged me though I don't think she understood that a great part of my crying was relief to be there with my baby and not just sadness and shock. We headed to a sleeping room they had saved for us to get about 3 hours of sleep and our parents took the kids to their hotel rooms at the hotel that adjoins the hospital.
Sore doesn't begin to describe my body the next morning. Having pushed out a nearly 9 pound baby and then hitting the road shortly thereafter and trekking across this hospital. Ouch. I took a long hot shower and it was amazing. We went to Lilly's room to see her and hang out for rounds. Upon entering the room I saw my baby laying there, with two new tubes in her and there was blood around her tummy from one of the tubes. I lost it again. I expected to find her just like I had left her only a few short hours ago and instead, they had made my baby bleed! I know medicine and I knew there was an excellent reason but I couldn't help it. The nurse walked in and hugged me. It was a different nurse from the previous night and she said the other nurse had said I was emotional. Excuse me?! No I'm not. I understand why my baby's here and I'm fine with it. I'm just glad I'm able to be here with her. I was indignant. A few days later, when I was less on the edge of my emotional cliff I made my peace with having been "emotional" those first couple of days. I mean, hello! Of course you're going to be emotional anyway when you've just given birth not to mention if something goes wrong. Rounds were pretty uneventful and the nurse made me go eat. She ended up being my favorite nurse out of all the ones we had. Probably because she made sure I was taking care of me knowing full well I wasn't worried about taking care of myself.
The following day at 2 days old, Lilly had her first surgery. We found out she was going to probably need 3. This was not as simple as we had initially been led to believe. This first surgery was a colostomy. She would be on a colostomy bag for a few months, the second surgery would be the bum hole reconstruction and the third and final surgery would hook everything back up after she had a chance to heal from surgery number two. This was the day I had my anti-depressant dosage doubled. Things were much easier to deal with after that.
The surgery went well and our entire entourage got to accompany Lilly back down to her room. This was the first time D-man had gotten to see Lilly since she left for her plane ride from our hospital of origin since kids under 2 weren't allowed in the NICU. Of course, he didn't care but it made me feel good. Now that Lilly was through her surgery and would be released once she was producing stool and eating sufficiently, I could relax and attempt to be Mommy to my other two kids again. The next day my brother and sister came to STL to meet Lilly. The plan had been for them to come home to see her since we should have been home but oh well. It was so great to see them. The following day Hubby turned 30. What a way to spend any birthday much less a milestone one! We went to the zoo. I ate ibuprofen like it was candy and kept up. I finally got to start breastfeeding Lilly the next day and she was a pro instantly. It wouldn't be long!
Two days later, when she was one week old, we got to bring Lilly home. Her heart murmur had disappeared, turns out her heart wasn't enlarged, all her untrasounds of vital organs looked "unremarkable". We got the best case scenario. Prayers were answered! I was excited and scared all at the same time. I was finally going to be able to relax with my baby with no wires, no monitors, no nurses watching. This was exhilerating and terrifying all at the same time. What if her bag leaked and no one was home with me? It had taken 3 of us to change it at the hospital! Would she be like a "normal" newborn aside from the colostomy?
Turns out all of my worrying was for naught. It was only a couple of days after Hubby returned to work that I had to change her bag by myself for the first time and it wasn't horrible. It wasn't the easiest thing ever, but I accomplished it. I was so proud of myself! She was a ravenous eater and a fabulous sleeper. Could I really have gotten this lucky? Maddy was a decent sleeper - once she moved into our bed. We only had a few weeks of nonstop crying. D-man was a great sleeper - once he moved into our bed and only had a few nights of nonstop crying. I thought surely this was going to be my colicky baby. Nope. As long as I could keep her binky in her mouth long enough for her to fall into a good sleep, she was out and in her own bed. Had I actually done it? Finally gotten it right with baby number 3! There really was no secret to getting your baby to stay sleeping in it's own bed other than patience and not being lazy?! Wow.
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